A Perfect Getaway – Written and Directed by David Twohy
Zahn and Jovovich are honeymooning in Hawaii, backpacking to a secluded beach. They come across several other couples talking about a murder, and things get crazy. Twohy directed The Arrival, Pitch Black, and The Chronicles of Riddick, so you can bet it will be entertaining if nothing else. And I’ve heard the plot twist is pretty tight.
Milla Jovovich, Steve Zahn, Chris Hemsworth, Timothy Olyphant, Marley Shelton
August 7

Cold Souls – Written and Directed by Sophie Barthes
Paul Giamatti actually plays himself in this metaphysical, cultural commentary where people’s souls are commodities that can be bought and sold. Looks deep, could be my favorite one since Eternal Sunshine, but that’s a huge expectation for a rookie director.
Paul Giamatti, Emily Watson, David Strathairn, Lauren Ambrose
August 7

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Directed by Stephen Sommers, Written by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot
Van Helsing was so bad, the only thing Sommers has directed since is the Mummy amusement park ride. Big names and bigger budgets have failed in the past to adapt videogames and old TV shows very well, but Stuart Beattie (Collateral, 30 Days of Night, Australia) and David Elliot (The Watcher, Four Brothers) are pretty good writers, and the cast does look interesting. This summer has sucked for movies so far, but I still have hope for Joe.
Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Jonathan Pryce, Sienna Miller, Arnold Vosloo
August 7

I Sell the Dead – Written and Directed by Glenn McQuaid
A Grave robber confesses his sins to a priest…and for some reason there are zombies. IFC does weird stuff sometimes (almost always involving Ron Perlman), but for the most part I’m a fan. McQuaid’s first feature.
Ron Perlman, Dominic Monaghan
August 7

Paper Heart – Directed by Nicholas Jasenovec, Written by Charlyne Yi and Nicholas Jasenovec
A movie about the filming of a documentary? I’ve never seen that. Ok, I have, but never with Seth Rogen and Michael Cera. It looks simple, funny, heartfelt, low budget; what else could you ask for?
Charlyne Yi, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen, Demetri Martin, Paul Rust
August 7

District 9 – Directed by Neill Blomkamp, Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell
You’ve seen those random posters at bus stops all over? “No Humans Allowed”. Well, those are the obscure posters for this “documentary” about an alien race that stumbles upon Earth, and is put into camps and ghettos. It’s like Michael Moore’s very own Cloverfield, but even I have to admit the story sounds intriguing. And, though the writer and director are new, Peter Jackson’s presenting, so I’m assuming he at least watched it.
Nathalie Boltt, William Allen Young
August 14

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard – Directed by Neal Brennan, Written by Andy Stock and Rick Stempson
If Ari from Entourage got fired, divorced, and became a used car dealer, this would be his spin-off movie. However, Jeremy Piven is undeniably awesome, and recognizable faces like Ving Rhames and Ken Jeong will probably outweigh virgin writers and a director from Chappelle’s Show.
Jeremy Piven, Ving Rhames, Ken Jeong, James Brolin
August 14

Spread – Directed by David Mackenzie, Written by Jason Dean Hall
Could it be? Has Ashton Kutcher actually grown up? Granted, The Butterfly Effect was damn cool, but this looks like a positive departure for him. The story of a guy who makes it big in L.A., then falls for a girl who pulls all his own game on him has been done before, but I like the style of this one. Mackenzie’s done some weird stuff, but I’ll give it a chance.
Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, Margarita Levieva
August 14

The Time Traveler’s Wife – Directed by Robert Schwentke, Written by Bruce Joel Rubin
Somewhere between The Fountain (minus the great director) and The Lake House (minus the bad actors) lies this adaptation of Audrey Niffenegger’s popular novel. Bana’s no Ryan Gosling, but he and McAdams look like they have some good chemistry. I’m not saying it’ll be great, but as far as chick flicks, this might be one of the less painful ones this year.
Rachel McAdams, Eric Bana, Ron Livingston
August 14

Five Minutes of Heaven – Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, Written by Guy Hibbert
An IRA gunman murders a UVF member in front of his little brother. After serving his sentence, the media arranges for the grown brother and murderer to meet on screen. Liam Neeson is always good, but this has the potential to beat a dead cultural horse with a hazy morality stick. Never seen anything by either director or writer.
Liam Neeson, James Nesbitt
August 21

Inglourious Basterds – Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Besides the Grindhouse segment “Death Proof”, it’s been 5 long years since Tarantino did something that was completely his own (Kill Bill Vol. 2). He returns now with his own style of war film. The Basterds are Jewish soldiers recruited by the U.S. Army in WWII France to basically beat the living hell out of the Nazis. We all know it’s going to be violent as hell, witty, and off-puttingly enjoyable. I am a little skeptical about Tarantino and Pitt, but not enough to save my money.
Brad Pitt, B.J. Novak, Melanie Laurent, Eli Roth, Diane Kruger, Til Schweiger
August 21

Halloween II – Written and Directed by Rob Zombie
House of 1000 Corpses was ok. The Devil’s Rejects was freaking amazing. Halloween was badass. So it stands to reason that H2 could very well be Rob Zombie’s best film yet. Apparently, he’s not going down the road of cheesy franchises with 14 sequels. He’s finishing up the story in the second one. He may be messing with the mythology, John Carpenter may be completely absent, but Tyler Bates is still on board, and I have goosebumps.
Tyler Mane, Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Sheri Moon Zombie, Scout Taylor-Compton, Margot Kidder
August 28

Taking Woodstock – Directed by Ang Lee, Written by James Schamus and Elliot Tiber
This may be the “summer vacation’s over” film this year, but I gotta say I’m opposed to it. Demetri Martin’s show sucked, and they gave him the lead? Not only that, but Ang Lee, who, together with James Schamus, brought us crap like Ride with the Devil, Eat Drink Man Woman, and Hulk (the dumb one), was 15 living in Taiwan when Woodstock went down. I don’t like it one bit, and so many people are going to yell at me for that.
Demetri Martin, Eugene Levy, Emile Hirsch, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Liev Schreiber, Paul Dano, Kelli Garner
August 28

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

The Collector – Directed by Marcus Dunstan, Written by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton
The guys who wrote and directed multiple Saw films, and all of the Feast flicks are back with an original horror movie about an ill-timed burglary that traps a man in a house with a family that is already at the mercy of “the collector”. Looks creepy and cool as hell, but the fact that I didn’t see anything about this until yesterday, and they’re already calling the main guy a “horror icon” makes me skeptical.
Madeline Zima, Andrea Roth, Josh Stewart
July 31

Balibo – Directed by Robert Connelly, Written by Robert Connolly and David Williamson
Based on the true story of the Balibo 5, a group of five Australian journalists that disappeared during the invasion of East Timor in 1975. Looks good, the writer and director are experienced in Australia. Just can’t find a solid release date.
Anthony LaPaglia
August 13 (limited)

Taxidermia – Directed by Gyorgy Palfi, Written by Gyorgy Palfi and Lajos Parti Nagy
Watching the preview for this made my head hurt. Visually beautiful, sweeping, and surreal, it’s about three generations of the same family, and their crazy fantasies. It was released in Hungary in 2006, but didn’t get a very limited US release date until last month. You can probably find it online or on DVD, but it looks interesting.
Csaba Czene, Gergely Trocsanyi, Piroska Molnar
August 14 (rumored)

The Marc Pease Experience – Directed by Todd Louiso, Written by Jacob Koskoff and Todd Louiso
About a high school musical star stuck in a high school mind set eight years later. I have serious doubts that a movie with Ben Stiller and Jason Schwartzman wouldn’t be advertised, but all I’ve found so far is a sketchy release date, so look for it. Directed by the skinny Moby look-alike from High Fidelity.
Ben Stiller, Jason Schwartzman, Anna Kendrick
August 21 (rumored)

First and foremost, we would like to thank all of you who supported us on Sunday and followed the live blog. It was a big day for Sexy Gypsy, and it really set the bar high.

Unfortunately, the Academy set the bar pretty low for hosting this year. Hugh Jackman, while slightly entertaining and charismatic at first, bored us to death with the constant musical numbers. This is the Oscars, dammit, we didn’t watch the Grammies for a reason. Also, the new format for actor awards runs a little long for our taste. Do we really need past winners standing up there talking one by one about the nominees for this year? We know Heath Ledger was an amazing Joker, do we really need Kevin Kline to tell us again? And if Cuba Gooding Jr. wants to be on stage at the red carpets, maybe he should be in a movie that doesn’t suck ass.

So despite some random last minute decisions, Sexy Gypsy did pretty well in predicting the Oscars this year. Our preview was right on the money for the big categories, even if our ballots weren’t. Unlike past years, there were no really big upsets. So let’s recap:

Best Picture: We all knew that Slumdog Millionaire was going to sweep the awards again. Milk was an amazing contender, but couldn’t stand up to the sheer brilliance in editing, direction, sound, and writing that Slumdog brought. Well deserved.

Best Director: David Fincher and Ron Howard have done better work. Stephen Daldry’s presence, not only in this category, but also in every other category The Reader was nominated, was a ridiculous, unwarranted usurping of Sam Mendes’ rightful seat with Revolutionary Road. Van Sant gave him a good run for the money, but Danny Boyle couldn’t be ignored any longer. Well deserved.

Best Actor: Minus Brad Pitt, this category was stacked. Jenkins, Langella, Penn, and Rourke all gave amazing performances. But it really came down to the latter two, and even though Prop 8 could’ve pushed Penn to the win, he was fantastic, and at least Rourke is again on the radar. Questionable, but well deserved.

Best Actress: Anne Hathaway hasn’t been as typecast as most people believe. Her role in Havoc was enough for us to take her seriously. Unfortunately, she was up against two major actresses (not counting Melissa Leo or Angelina Jolie). However, Streep has had her Oscar recognition, and Winslet was due after so many dead end nominations. Well deserved, wrong film (should have been Revolutionary Road).

Best Supporting Actor: If you read our preview, you know our conspiracy theories in this category. But there was only ever a slight doubt in anyone’s mind that Ledger would walk with this one. His “eclectic” career aside, this was not only his best performance, but one of the best of all time. Hey Downey, why so serious? Well deserved.

Best Supporting Actress: This category wasn’t really stellar, but everyone did a good job in their roles. Amy Adams, however, was definitely a head above the rest, in emotion and in screen time. Predicting this one was disappointing, because we knew Cruz would take it for being involved in an otherwise-not-nominated Woody Allen film. Undeserved.

Other categories of interest

Foreign Language: Waltz with Bashir should’ve taken this, and most people thought it would. Always gotta be on the lookout for the underdog.

Shorts: It is surprising that On the Line or Manon on the Asphalt didn’t take it, considering they were more the Academy’s usual taste, but Toyland was interesting and well edited, and the only WWII film even nominated this year. Also surprising, but definitely exciting, was the Academy’s decision to look past Pixar’s usual animated brilliance and give the Oscar to La Maison en Petits Cubes, the emotional Japanese film with a French name.

Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire was an amazing adaptation, as shown by its eight wins this year. However, we still believe that, with any other director, the script would have fallen short. Doubt, though sub par in acting and directing, was an amazingly well written film, full of amazing dialogue. Milk was the obvious choice for Original Screenplay. It built and developed all the characters for the actors to round out, and there wasn’t a weak link in the bunch.

Another surprise was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. All three of this film’s awards (Visual Effects, Art Direction, and Makeup) beat out The Dark Knight, which was a thousand times better in all of them. This is either an apology to Fincher for ignoring Zodiac, or an apology to Brad Pitt that he will never, ever, ever be Batman. Robin, maybe, but not The Dark Knight.

Overall, a good year for movies, and a solid Academy Awards ceremony. We will of course be starting this all over again next November, but for now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Thanks for the support.

-Sexy Gypsy

Best Picture

Of the five films in this category, only two really have a shot. Frost/Nixon was a great stage adaptation with amazing performances and, while solid, was ultimately compromised by Ron Howard’s lack of technical abilities. The Reader was boring, poorly constructed, and probably the most overrated film in the last 20 years. And Benjamin Button was average at best.

That leaves us with Milk and Slumdog Millionaire. And it’s close.

Milk was perfectly casted, acted and edited. Thankfully, Gus van Sant showed enough restraint not to fuck it up with his usual annoyingly pseudo-artistic direction. Add to that the best performance of Sean Penn’s career and you have a serious contender for Best Picture.

But, unfortunately for Gus van Sant and Milk, 2009 is the year of Slumdog. With great music, flawless direction and screenplay, Slumdog Millionaire has finally brought Danny Boyle to the forefront of cinema. He’s a versatile director who can excel in any genre, and Slumdog’s complex, non-linear story line really allowed him to showcase his skills. The result was a beautifully executed film whose broad appeal, blending of cultures, and surprising rise to recognition puts it over the top.

WHO SHOULD WIN: Slumdog Millionaire

WHO WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Actor

Why is Brad Pitt in this category? He gave a much better, rounder performance in A River Runs Through It and is the weak link in this category with his one-note portrayal of Benjamin Button. Richard Jenkins is finally getting the love he deserves, after years of being “that guy”—you recognize him, know he’s in things, but you don’t know his name or why you seem to remember him (if you still don’t know who he is, he’s the dead father in Six Feet Under). Unfortunately, his well-developed performance will be eclipsed by the big three: Mickey Rourke, Frank Langella, and Sean Penn. This will ultimately be decided by politics: the resurrection of Mickey Rourke, the Nixon scandal, or the gay character post-prop 8.

WHO SHOULD WIN: Mickey Rourke WHO WILL WIN: Sean Penn, because the Academy loves him.

Best Actress

First off, the Academy needs to decide what constitutes a leading role, because Kate Winslet should have been up for Revolutionary Road, not The Reader, both for technical and performance-quality reasons. She’ll probably win, but only because Stephen Daldry is a marketing whore and has been politicking for The Reader like he was Blagojevich selling a Senate seat.

Meryl Streep and Angelina Jolie both had great roles, but it was more the writing than they acting that made their characters special. While Angelina Jolie will get a nomination for anything in which she’s not half naked shooting at people, Streep didn’t bring the expected veteran-actress energy to an already well written character—and it fell short.

Melissa Leo in Frozen River was an interesting choice. A small, low-budget, independent film shot in 24 days spawns a Best Actress nomination? But it’s a well-crafted story—solid throughout. As for Melissa Leo’s performance, as good a job as she did, she’s not beating out Streep, let alone Winslet.

Anne Hathaway, on the other hand, deserves credit for nailing her part as a fresh-out-of-rehab junkie—a role often cliched, parodied, and overplayed. Sadly, no one saw Rachel Getting Married. It’s not a great film but Hathaway more than makes up for it (Plus, Tunde from TV on The Radio plays her brother-in-law-to-be!)

WHO SHOULD WIN: Anne Hathaway WHO WILL WIN: Kate Winslet

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey, Jr. is an amazing actor and definitely deserves some fucking recognition. But Tropic Thunder? Really?? It’s picks like this that make people clown the Oscar. Everyone else was solid, but Josh Brolin, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Michael Shannon picked a shitty year to be nominated.

Philip Seymour Hoffman was miscast in the role of Father Flynn, and he did the best he could. Still, his subpar performance paled in comparison to most of his other work. Josh Brolin, though slightly outshone by the rest of the supporting cast, was impressive in Milk. He just seems to have bad luck—going against Daniel Day-Lewis last year, and now Heath Ledger. Michael Shannon had three great scenes, and blew me away in Revolutionary Road. He was the most interesting character in a Sam Mendes movie, which in itself says a lot, and he had a huge impact in his 120 seconds of screen time.

Yet as good as they were, Brolin and Shannon especially, no one is beating Heath Ledger. A solid, completely immersive portrayal of a psychotic clown in a movie that destroyed box offices everywhere? He deserves the award no matter what, and it only helps that he’s dead.

WHO SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger (but only because he’s dead) WHO WILL WIN: Heath Ledger (but only because he’s dead)

Best Supporting Actress

How long do you have to be in a film to fulfill the “supporting” criteria? Viola Davis, though very emotional, had one scene in Doubt. However, she was just as memorable as Michael Shannon in her limited screen time. Penelope Cruz didn’t have a much bigger role, and she’s only here because she played a cup full of crazy in a Woody Allen movie, and her crazy wasn’t as good as crazies in the past (Wilkinson in Michael Clayton). But Amy Adams is a head above the rest in this category, and hopefully that’s enough.

Taraji Henson is here just because the Academy loved Benjamin Button, but it wasn’t a great film and she wasn’t all that good in it. Outside of Cruz, she’s the weakest nominee in this category. It was like she played the great-great-grandmother of her character in Hustle and Flow.

Marisa Tomei is the dark horse here. She gave an incredible performance in The Wrestler and she’s still ridiculously hot.

WHO SHOULD WIN: Amy Adams WHO WILL WIN: Penelope Cruz

Best Director

If you’ve ever read sexy gypsy, you already know our pick for Best Director. Motherfucking Danny Boyle.

Stephen Daldry is now on my shit list for The Reader—even more so for plugging the fuck out of an inferior movie and tricking everyone into thinking it was great. Who the fuck does he think he is, M. Night Shyamalan?

David Fincher is a great director with some amazing movies under his belt, but the travesty of Curious Case of Benjamin Button is not one of them. The sequence with Tilda Swinton and Brad Pitt was the only time you really saw Fincher’s influence, and it was the best part of the film.

Ron Howard is still Hollywood’s golden boy, so it’s not surprising he was nominated for Frost/Nixon. Aside from persistent anachronisms and mishandling of time, Howard preserved the spirit of the stage play and the camera work was excellent.

Gus van Sant finally decided to humble himself and make a solid, consistent film, and is really the only one who could challenge Boyle. The Academy loves him, and could look to make up for robbing him of Best Director in 1997, plus some Prop 8 guilt could come into play. This is definitely a category to watch.

WHO SHOULD WIN: Danny Boyle (with an honorable mention and apology to Sam Mendes) WHO WILL WIN: Danny Boyle

Conspiracies

• Who did Sam Mendes piss off? He is a great filmmakers and Revolutionary Road, though disturbingly depressing, was an amazing film. Camera work, editing, score, acting, screenplay—all great. Yet the Academy left him out of the running and even changed the nomination for Kate Winslet, calling her performance in The Reader a lead—a role which the HFPA considered a supporting a few months ago. I think he’s in the doghouse for some reason, and Michael Shannon’s nomination is an apology. I suspect that, though Ledger has it locked, they might upset everything and give it to Shannon, just to show there’s no hard feelings.
• Amy Adams deserves to win best supporting, but everything in Hollywood is political (which could also explain Winslet’s bump to lead role after Daldry’s whoring). My guess is that Cruz could walk with this one because the Academy loves Woody Allen and they’re sorry he made a dumb movie they can’t nominate for anything else.
• Again making up for its past mistakes, the Academy has shown major love to Benjamin Button. They want so badly to let Pitt have one, but Babel just wasn’t that good. And Zodiac, Fincher’s first Academy-worthy film, just came out too early for Oscar consideration.
• 4.) Robert Downey, Jr. has been in some great movies, always does his roles beautifully, and the Academy thinks he’s due for something. But since Charlie Bartlett got impatient and fucked off what could have been a serious, profound ending, he couldn’t get anything for that. And Iron Man was entertaining, but no actor will ever get an Oscar for playing a superhero. Downey’s next film is The Soloist with Jamie Foxx, directed by Joe Wright. It would have been a contender for the Oscars but was pulled from its November release date and slated for early March, 2009. So now it comes down to Tropic Thunder.

by The Great White Gypsy

“The first rule of Fight Club is:  You do not talk about Fight Club.”

“My name is Benjamin Button, and I was born under unusual circumstances.”

David Fincher, what are you doing?

There is nothing wrong with having a niche in Hollywood, as long as you do it well. Alien 3, Seven, The Game, Fight Club, Panic Room, Zodiac.  David Fincher has done very well in his niche as a director of dark, violent, but thought-provoking thrillers.  I understand when a director wants to branch out artistically (there were actually rumors that Fincher was the original choice for Lords of Dogtown, and he did start his career making George Michael music videos), but don’t take someone else’s niche…cause then your niche doesn’t fit…and you walk through the rest of your career with your niche riding up on you.

This film should’ve been Tim Burton’s.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was originally a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  Personally, I didn’t care for the story, mainly because it had the Kafka-esque shortcoming of spending too little time and detail on a concept that could, say, be the basis of a three-hour film.  It isn’t really a difficult concept: Benjamin Button is born an old man, and ages backwards.  I actually think the film makes more sense than the book.  In the story, Benjamin is born 5’8”, talks, and smokes cigars.  His mind and body are the same.  In the film, however, his body is old, and ages backwards, but his mind is normal, and ages forwards.  The difference may be small, but I think it translated better to the screen.

Originally, the story took place in Baltimore in 1890.  The film, however, takes place in 2005 in the path of Hurricane Katrina, and flashes back to the 1930’s when Benjamin was growing up.  Perhaps this was also unnecessary, but there is a recurring element of impending storms at pivotal moments in the film that works well.

This film is dark, but not psychologically.  David Fincher has a tendency to use minimal lighting and a sense of foreboding to establish his tone.  I felt it was unnecessary here, especially since the screenplay was written by Robin Swicord (Practical Magic, The Jane Austen Book Club) and Eric Roth (The Horse Whisperer, Forrest Gump); not really the dark side of Hollywood.  This film definitely has a Forrest Gump type feel to it, in length and in breadth.  But it also has a Tim Burton feel to it (I’m still hung up on this, I don’t know why) in story and tone.

This film could win an Oscar for makeup, costume design, art direction, etc.  But as far as acting, it also fell short.  Brad Pitt, for all his hype, is on lithium the entire film.  He confines the character to the emotional gray zone, and never strays too far from it.  Cate Blanchett is a nice counterbalance to this, always being lively, whimsical and free-spirited.  Their performances really don’t stand out, however.

This is not to say that the film isn’t good; it is.  Even at a lengthy three hours, it does feel long, but it’s not boring, it’s interesting.  Cinematography, music, editing (aside from a Spike Lee moment at the end) are all solid.  But it feels disjointed.  Fincher’s dark tone, Pitt’s lackluster performance, and an over-zealous adapted screenplay just don’t fit well together on screen.  I would replace Robin Swicord with John August (Big Fish), David Fincher with Tim Burton, and Brad Pitt with Ewan McGregor.

But that’s just me.

I’m a big fan of David Fincher, Cate Blanchett, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.  And while I don’t regret spending $11 to see this film, or the three hours of my life, I think it could’ve been more cohesive. 

Final Grade: B-

by The Great White Gypsy

Cadillac Records – Darnell Martin

It seems that musicals and music industry biopsies (no, I don’t mean biopic, I’m being ironic) are the new trend.  This appears to be closer to Walk the Line than Dream Girls, at least I hope so.  It’s fun to see modern musicians play old school legends (Beyonce as Etta James, Mos Def as Chuck Berry), and there’s even a tie-in with the Rolling Stones.  Plus Cadillacs are pretty.

Adrien Brody, Beyonce Knowles, Jeffrey Wright, Mos Def, Gabrielle Union

December 5

Punisher: War Zone – Lexi Alexander

I’m sure anyone who read Punisher comics sees how cool it is to transition from Thomas Jane to Ray Stevenson.  It’s the difference between a pissed off widower and a badass mercenary for justice.  My only concern is admittedly misogynistic.  Chicks don’t watch action crap like this, so why did a chick direct it?  Her last film about soccer hooligans beating the crap out of each other (Green Street Hooligans) had a bit more heart and substance than necessary for hitting someone in the face with a brick.  We’ll see.

Ray Stevenson, Dominic West

December 5

Dark Streets – Rachel Samuels

Film Noir meets musical with a little flair in this murder mystery based on the play by Glenn M. Stewart.  Writer and director are newbies, but there’s some talent in the cast, and the art direction.  The soudtrack and musical numbers are done by classic blues and jazz artists.  Worth a try, since I missed Repo.

Gabriel Mann, Bijou Philips, Elias Koteas

December 12

The Day the Earth Stood Still – Scott Derrickson

Remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic, the visuals and special effects look pretty sweet, and Keanu Reeves’ career can only be helped by a role as a Vulcan-esque alien.  Not sure why this is coming out in December instead of summer, but maybe the lines at the theater will be shorter.

Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates

December 12

Timecrimes – Nacho Vigalondo

It’s true, there really hasn’t been a good time travel movie since Back to the Future II.  Even Ray Bradbury and Ben Kingsley couldn’t save A Sound of Thunder.  But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that foreign directors can generally add substance and art to dead sub-genres.  Vigalondo is fairly new to feature films, but the premise looks promising.

Karra Elejalde, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez

December 12

The Wrestler – Darren Aronofsky

Most people over the mental age of 15 don’t take wrestling seriously.  However, it appears a second-rate wrestler is the perfect character juxtaposition for Mickey Rourke, one of the most underrated actors ever.  It looks like a film with substance and style, which should be no surprise given Aronofsky’s resume (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain).  Might not blow up the box office, but could get some Oscar credit.

Mickey Rourke, Evan Rachel Wood, Marisa Tomei

December 17

Seven Pounds – Gabriele Muccino

Muccino directed the original Last Kiss, and worked with Will Smith on The Pursuit of Happiness.  Smith has been slowly yet steadily broadening as a actor.  The exact plot is somewhat vague through the previews, but quests for redemption always tug at our heartstrings and guilty wallets.  Myself included.

Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Woody Harrelson, Barry Pepper

December 19

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – David Fincher

I’m still confused.  Are you sure it’s Fincher directing this?  I mean, he’s a great director, works well with Brad Pitt, but this really has a Tim Burton feel to me, in style and story.  Confusion aside, it looks really cool.  Brad Pitt ages backwards, it looks dark and eerie, with a soul.  David Fincher got robbed of any Oscar credit last year (Zodiac came out too early in the year.), let’s hope this one is his ticket to the red carpet.

Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett

December 25

The Spirit – Frank Miller

Sin City was groundbreaking in story and visuals.  Sin City 2 and 3 are currently in production.  Frank Miller is a talented writer and director, but The Spirit, though intriguing, looks like space filler from a one trick pony.  300 stood out by itself, I’m not sure this one can, but I’ll give it a try.  I owe it to Frank, 300 is the reason I have a gym membership.

Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes

December 25

Revolutionary Road – Sam Mendes

Although it made everyone sick to enjoy it, Titanic was the last time DiCaprio and Winslet were on screen together, and there’s some chemistry there.  More importantly, after seeing what Sam Mendes does to modern suburban life (American Beauty), I can’t wait to see what he does to the suburbs in 1950’s Conneticut.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Kathy Bates

December 26

Good morning Mr. and Mr. Coen,

Your mission this year, should you choose to accept it, is rather simple: Make an entertaining film. 

Your last project, No Country for Old Men, was groundbreaking and bold, deserving every Oscar nod it received. Your portfolio, from Raising Arizona to The Ladykillers, establishes your style as a director. Bumbling, ordinary people are not bound to the “slapstick” pigeon-hole genre due only to your artfully shot, well-written stories.

However, we want this film to depart slightly from your style. We want you to experiment a little. Have some fun. This should be a political intrigue thriller. The camerawork, locations, even the score, should give the illusion of a serious CIA film. However, we want your traditional characters. They should all be relatable to the audience, but oblivious and out of their element. They should all be like children who walk into a movie half way through and miss the point.

As for casting:

George Clooney does his best work in your films, we think he would compliment this project well as a philandering ex-operative who takes himself too seriously. Though Michael Clayton was awful, we also think Tilda Swinton would be great as his cheating-counterpart, adding a cold, selfish, and just as clueless sensibility. We always enjoy seeing John Malkovich yell at people. So make him timid and uncertain, perhaps an analyst, who  screams at everyone. Though he may get lost in the plot, he will take himself more seriously than anyone. Throw Brad Pitt in there too. We’re not huge fans, but people seem to like him. Let him be an energetic moron, but don’t give him too much screen time. J.K. Simmons should be involved somehow too. He’s amazing. And we know that you are obligated to include your wife in this, so come up with something. We don’t really care. She’s usually good, but rarely carries anything well alone. She can round out the character development.

Remember, this film should be extremely entertaining; it’s tone should be humorous and accessible, but not pretentious or satirical. The characters should be well intentioned, completely oblivious to their ineptitude, but not successful in their endeavors. We do not want another “The Man Who Knew Too Little”. 

We have no doubt that you can bang this out in no time at all. It may seem like career-filler at first. But it will be well received and entertaining, another esoteric comedy to add to your resume.

This project is top secret, and cannot fall into the hands of enemy directors or moronic actors. 

Please burn this message after reading.