Rope

Director: Alfred Hitchcock
Year: 1948
Cast: James Stewart, John Dall, Farley Granger
It’s no secret that Hitchcock was/is the master of suspense. But with The Birds, Vertigo, and Psycho, the suspense is based on implied violence, terrified actors, and a tense soundtrack. With Rope, the tension is there in spades, but it’s totally based on situational dialog. The mixture of suspense with Dostoevskian/Nietzschian philosophies on justice boggled my innocent little mind. This is why I fell in love with Hitchcock films.
Same Shit, Different Day: Murder By Numbers

Touch of Evil

Director: Orson Welles
Year: 1958
Cast: Orson Welles, Charlton Heston, Janet Leigh
According to my dad, Orson Welles was the Quentin Tarantino of his day. I agree. The guy was a little off, and after Citizen Kane, he did a lot of weird crap (including his War of the Worlds hoax broadcast). But when I watched Touch of Evil, I knew Welles was not fucking around. Once I got over Heston’s bad Mexican accent, and the fact that Orson Welles ate Citizen Kane and his sled, i was more than impressed. From the first long tracking shot that would make Joe Wright feel like a bitch, Welles’ simple yet expert and genius filmmaking allows the characters to be completely and engagingly flushed out. Whether you’re a film buff or not, everyone should see this film.
Same Shit, Different Day: L.A. Confidential, Training Day

Carnival of Souls

Director: Herk Harvey
Year: 1962
Cast: Candace Hilligoss
The problem with old school horror films is that they tend to be…laughable. Especially if it’s black and white, the over acting and archaic special effects are lost on a generation that’s watching ghosts and ghouls in 3-D IMAX. But for open-minded youngsters such as myself, this one was food for thought. We always think that the crazy shit we see in movies is new; that the concepts weren’t even considered forty years ago. When I saw this I realized that, technology aside, so much of what we watch now has already been on screen at some point. The surrealistic cinematography is, at the very least, worthy of David Lynch’s early work. And the ending, while not as interesting, does make Shyamalan look even more unoriginal (I HATE that I can’t spoil a movie from the ‘60’s for you people…stupid conscience).
Same Shit, Different Day: The Sixth Sense, Mulholland Drive

Bunny Lake is Missing

Director: Otto Preminger
Year: 1965
Cast: Laurence Olivier, Carol Lynley, Keir Dullea
When I saw this film, I didn’t know who Preminger was. I wasn’t 100% on who Olivier was either, but I kinda got the feeling it was a departure for him, so I picked it up. Not only was I impressed by his role, but I was struck by the fact that it wasn’t the most impressive part of the film. Granted, a slow, downward spiral of emotion and personal sanity wasn’t pulled off as well in 1965, but the attempt in such an early era for film is commendable. Not many people can be crazy, and still keep up with Olivier’s acting, but Lynley pulled it off. If I didn’t expect the ending in the nineties, I’m willing to bet it made a lot of beatnik heads explode.
Same Shit, Different Day: Session 9, The Machinist

Straw Dogs

Director: Sam Peckinpah
Year: 1971
Cast: Dustin Hoffman, Susan George, Peter Vaughan
I know that this one doesn’t exactly fit with the others. I also know that, as far as Peckinpah films, The Getaway is the standard (at least for Tarantino). But as violent and crazy and McQueen’s epic is, Straw Dogs is much more complex and morally vague to me. He may be a funny old Focker now, but back in the day, Hoffman definitely fit the part of an easy target for bullying. His character goes beyond sympathetic, and you actually pity him the way you pity a three-legged dog. The disconnect with him is so bad in the first half that, in probably the most graphic mainstream cinema rape scene up to that point, there’s a microscopic voice in your head asking if his wife isn’t smiling a little, happy to finally have a real man. This actually makes the crime that much more horrendous. Peckinpah’s style is usually graphic and in-your-face, but this one was so layered and ambiguous, it really stuck with me.
Same Shit, Different Day Panic Room, Irreversible

HONORABLE MENTIONS

• The Getaway (Sam Peckinpah, 1972)
• The Night of the Hunter (Charles Laughton, 1955)
• Strait-Jacket (William Castle, 1964)
• The Trial (Orson Welles, 1962)
• Murder on the Orient Express (Sidney Lumet, 1974)
• The Manchurian Candidate (John Frankenheimer, 1962)
• Laura (Otto Preminger, 1944)
• Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (Robert Aldrich, 1962)
• Panic in the Streets (Elia Kazan, 1950)
• The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (Joseph Sargent, 1974)

Here are my top five albums of last year¹, in no particular order…

Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

Even though it didn’t drop till June, Bitte Orca was probably my most played record of 2009. Packed with exquisite soundscapes and harmonies like you’ve never heard, Dirty Projectors broke new ground with this release.

The xx - xx

I’m generally not the biggest chillwave/dream-pop fan. But after sitting with The xx’s debut for a few days, they officially converted me. This is the most accessible album I’ve heard in the genre. A perfect record to throw on after a long day and chill-the-fuck-out to, I highly recommend it.

Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Part II

Sadly, only one Hip Hop album made my list. I would’ve loved to see Clipse, Slaughterhouse or Mos Def crack the top five. But, at the end of the day, Raekwon’s follow-up to his 1995 masterpiece was the only one I deemed worthy. When I first read about Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Part II, I had my reservations. Why did RZA only produced three tracks? Could they bring the same fire 14 years later? Why was the album art so wack? But The Chef proved me wrong and cooked up a worthy successor. If this month’s Wu Massacre is half as good as this was, I’ll be happy (at least, it’ll have better artwork)

Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement

I declared A Strange Arrangement an instant classic the day I heard it. It is one of those timeless records that could have come out in 1969, 2009 or 2049 and it would still be dope. Reminiscent of legends like Isaac Hayes, Curtis Mayfield and Marvin, yet with a modern flavor, Mayer Hawthorne has crafted a near perfect album.

Blockhead - Music Scene

Blockhead’s The Music Scene is the only instrumental album on the list. Splicing together an eclectic mix of Hip Hop, Trip Hop and Electronica, Blockhead is one the most slept on producers in the game. He’s worked extensively with Aesop Rock, in addition to releasing four solo albums. Though not quite as epic in scale as his 2007 release, Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book, The Music Scene stands on its own merits. It was impossible to separate one track out of the album to embed in this post, so I decided to go with a 30-minute album sampler mixed by DK, that was released by Ninja Tune on Soundclound. Enjoy.

Honorable Mentions

There were tons of albums that didn’t make the final cut. Here are some of my favorites that missed out. Again, in no particular order:

• Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More ²
• Mos Def - The Ecstatic
• Clipse - Till The Casket Drops
• Slaughterhouse - Slaughterhouse
• Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport
• Animal Collective- Merriweather Post Pavilion
• Girls - Album
• Modest Mouse- No One’s First and You’re Next³
• Sharon Van Etten - Because I Was In Love
• Bill Callahan - Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle

1.  M. Night Shayamalan

The Sixth Sense was freaking awesome, with an eerie atmosphere, and one of the best plot twists up to that point.  Everything M. Night has done since then has sucked balls.  Unbreakable was the worst superhero film ever (“They call me Mr. Glass.” Are you fucking serious?).  Signs was retarded, the Village had a lot of potential, but of course he fucked it up.  Lady in the Water?  Won’t even discuss it.  And now he’s running out of titles.  The Happening.  How vague.  He is actually a great director technically; he’s had amazing scenes in every film he’s done.  His problem is he sucks at writing, and he writes all the films he directs.  No more plot twists, for the love of god!  They are all fucking awful, and he’s taken at least 12 hours from my life that I can’t get back.  And appearing in his own films?  Hitchcock was a genius; you sir, are an ass.

2.  Wes Anderson

Jason Schwartzman may have been a funny, successful actor if Anderson hadn’t thrown him under the Darjeeling Limited.  This is a guy who thinks he’s edgy and indie and inspired.  None of his films are indie; just because Touchstone hasn’t been big since the ‘80’s doesn’t make you a starving artist.  His camera work is rigid, his characters are unbelievable, and he can’t decide if he wants to be funny or dramatic.  The best part about his films is the music, but that doesn’t save him.  You want to be artsy and independent? Grab a Super 8 camera and film something in your basement.  And if I hear one more person say, “it’s just an intelligent kind of humor”, I will punch you in the face.

3.  Oliver Stone

Just because this guy’s father never loved him, and his favorite history professor gave him C’s through college, doesn’t mean I have to suffer for two hours.  What is it about this guy that is redeeming?  Platoon was not as good as everyone thinks it was.  Wall Street was the only good film he ever made.  Natural Born Killers was a Tarantino script, and Stone still fucked it up.  Every single movie he makes, it’s like he’s saying, “Look at me professor, I got facts right, give me a cookie!  Look daddy, I superimposed Joe Namath over Jamie Foxx, do you love me yet?”  I would be more upset about his political adgenda (Nixon, W, JFK, World Trade), but he’s just such a douchebag, I’ve stopped caring.  I can’t wait for Born on the 5^th of July.

4.  David Cronenberg

Am I the only one who remembers that this guy started out making bullshit B movies like The Fly and Videodrome?  In the mid ‘90’s, he tried to be more introspective with social commentaries like Crash and eXistenz, and he failed.  Now, he’s adapting graphic novels into uninspired films, and people are inviting him to the Oscars? Fuck that.  A History of Violence was a dumb movie, and so was Eastern Promises.  His violence and fighting is so scripted it’s ridiculous.  I really think he’s just coming up with different excuses to see Viggo Mortensen naked.  His films are predictable and monotonous; he should see if Viggo’s willing to be in The Fly III.

5.  Joe Wright

This asshole is the most pretentious thing to come out of Hollywood in decades.  He’s like that friend you hate because you know he’s not intelligent or artistic, but he pretends so well because he wants to sleep with your girlfriend.  It’s as if he started with Pride and Prejudice, and now he’s stuck in Jane Austen mode, and we can’t turn him off.  His most recent project (The Soloist) was actually a true story; a heartfelt, inspiring, real story about music, and he turned it into Atonement 2.  I actually feel insulted watching his camera work, and the bullshit artsy scenes he throws in at random.  For the love of God, someone turn him off before he makes Die Hard 5: No More Sensibility.

1. The Joker

The mysteries of Joker’s origins can best be summed up in his own words, “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another…if I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!”

This guy is so fucking insane, it borders on genius. But the best thing about The Joker is that he doesn’t have a singular objective. Granted, he enjoys attempting to murder Batman as much as the next guy. But he genuinely delights in carnage, mayhem and mass-murder. His intricate plans and unpredictability make him a dangerous arch nemesis.

2. Green Goblin

While Sam Raimi’s film may have slightly exaggerated Norman Osborn’s relationship with Spider-Man. The Green Goblin was an enduring force to be reckoned with. Osborn may have been benevolent, but his alter ego was completely batshit crazy and out to kill Spider-Man. Rich, smart and strong as hell (thanks to his patented drugs), he spawned several imitators, but none could match.

3. Magneto

Magneto is possibly the most respectable and sympathetic villain out there. When he was a child, his family was taken to Auschwitz, where he was forced to operate the gas chamber controls. He later befriended Charles Xavier (leader of the X-Men), both men being very intelligent and devoted to preserving mutant life. However, his experience with the Nazis led Magneto to lead a preemptive strike against humanity. Fearing another holocaust, he will stop at nothing to protect his Brotherhood.

4. Venom/Carnage/Toxin

We put these three together because they’re essentially the same thing. Venom was the original, an alien symbiote who first bonded with Spider-Man, making him a little evil, then with Eddie Brock, the anti-Peter Parker. Brock’s murderous tendencies turned the alien into a nasty Spider-Man doppelganger, with all of his powers and agility. The same symbiote was responsible for turning a serial killer into Carnage, basically Venom except more insane and dangerous. Carnage then begat Toxin, who, despite being labeled as a villain, was actually a good guy with a Jekyll and Hyde kind of dichotomy. Venom helped stop Carnage, Toxin helped stop Carnage and Venom…

5. Dr. Doom

He’s the usurped heir to an eastern European gypsy empire. He’s an expert in sorcery, alchemy, and metallurgy. He’s rich, strong, made of metal, and shoots sparkly things out of his fingertips. And he’s really pissed off. Sure, the Fantastic Four isn’t the coolest superhero group ever, but one on four, and he still holds his own. That and his actual name is Victor Von Doom…how can he not be a badass?

Honorable Mentions

The Riddler

An obsessive compulsive with a question mark painted on his chest may not be the greatest villain ever (especially after Jim Carrey and Joel Schumacher got done with him), but The Riddler is an interesting character. Most of his crimes are non-violent, and he never tries to outright kill Batman. Instead, he attempts to beat him in a game of wit, always giving Batman a way out should he solve the puzzle, and he nearly outsmarts him every time. He’s crazy, but in a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest kinda way, not a Dahmer kinda way.

Brainiac

Since his introduction in 1958, Brainiac’s origin story has been changed several times, but the essentials stay the same. He is basically a brain and nervous system who finds host bodies. He also controls computers, which, added to his psychic abilities, makes him a formidable foe for Superman (he’s big and strong, but not all that bright). He’s more of a nuisance, but he’s more tenacious than Doomsday (whose body he actually controlled in an epic battle for earth…nerdy).

1. Batman

Over the last few decades, Batman has transformed from a blue/gray sketch in a comic, to the campy Adam West, to a dark and brooding puppet of Frank Miller. He’s completely human. Growing up, you believed you could be Batman. You didn’t have to get bitten by a radioactive spider or be born a mutant. His powers were being ripped as shit, smart as hell and richer than God—all things that seem perfectly attainable to the average 10 year old.

He is the quintessential vigilante. Battling a rogue’s gallery of villains crazier than any other hero, he’s multi-layered character that we’ve only begun to fully understand.

2. The Punisher

It’s like the guys at Marvel asked themselves, “How could we make Batman more badass?” Kill his wife and kids, paint a skull on his chest, and give him more guns than a Mexican drug cartel. Yup. That’ll do it.

He’s not as complex as The Dark Knight. But he fights the good fight and has no problem putting two in your dome if you’re a bad guy.

3. Ghost Rider

John Blaze makes a deal with the devil to save his father from cancer. The cancer goes away and then his dad dies in a motorcycle accident. Man, that Lucifer is shifty…

Ghost Rider’s motives are pure, protecting his loved ones at any cost. It’s just that at night, he turns into the most evil-looking superhero ever and spits hot fire out of a shotgun. You might not like Nicholas Cage or Method Man, but you gotta love the Ghost Rider.

4. Rorshach

Rorshach is fucking crazy, a murdering psychopath, but his morals are clearly defined. His mask is made from scraps of a dress designed by Dr. Manhattan for Kitty Genovese. The lines constantly change, but it’s always black and white. To him, being soft on criminals means letting them live. Raised by a whore, Rorschach can’t connect with society. He sees the world as a cesspool of sex, drugs and violence. But still, he seeks to save the world from itself. And he refuses to compromise even in the face of Armageddon.

5. Wolverine

For being such an enduring superhero figure, we don’t know much about Wolverine. His history is shrouded in mystery. We know he has those crazy fucking claws. We know he can regenerate. We know he was born in the late 1800s and his powers manifested early in life. But his backstory is full of contradictions and missing links. So much so that Wolverine spends most of his adventures trying to understand his past.

But anytime you have a guy that was an experimental weapon, an assassin, a samurai and saved the world, you have to be intrigued.

Blade

Blade is a superhero—that wants to drink your blood? That’s just cool. Half vampire, half human, Blade has all their strengths and none of their weaknesses (except, of course, for the thirst. But Kris Kristofferson will take care of that). With an arsenal like The Punisher’s and agility like Wolverine, Blade is by far the coolest vampire ever.

Gambit Abandoned by his family because of his glowing red eyes, Gambit was raised by a guild of thieves in New Orleans. After killing his fiancee’s disapproving brother, he was exiled and spent his life as a thief and mercenary before being picked up by Mr. Sinister (a really, really bad guy). Sinister helped him develop his powers in exchange for violent favors. Soon after, the X-Men took him in and he’s been throwing supercharged poker cars at bad guys ever since.

Spawn

Spawn would deserve an honorable mention, if only because Todd MacFarlane drew the comics. That man could make the Care Bears seem menacing. Spawn is a lot darker than most comics and is considered to be more of an anti-hero than a superhero. He dies, goes to hell and sells his soul to a demon to come back and see his wife one last time. Once back on earth, he desperately tries to hang on to his humanity and ends up doing battle with an insane assortment of evildoers.

5. 35 million dollars: 

Protect your investment. If someone were offered 35 million dollars to play a game, would the next move be to go get wasted, grab a handgun, and head to a sketchy club in New York City? It seems no matter what happens the NFL will never learn from its mistakes. Next season we can look forward to Tom Brady dropping E, heading to San Francisco’s Castro district, and finally switching teams.   

4. He thinks “turning on the safety” means sending a hooker to Ed Reed’s room: 

Guns have safety mechanisms on them for a reason. If you tuck your gun into your waistband and it happens to slip down below the boxer line, the safety plays a crucial role in the recovery process. Burress should know this. Hasn’t he seen Band of Brothers? Whether it’s a .9 or a Luger, shooting yourself in the leg is never cool. 

3. He looks like an anorexic Mr. T. and concealed weapons spell trouble for the A-Team: 

The goatee is terrible, but it does give him a striking resemblance to Mr. T. That being said, he is even more of role model for kids. And like Mr. T always says, “I pity the fool who shoots himself in the leg.” All the pity in the world won’t bring him back to his A-Team (Giants) now. 

2. Johnnie Cochran is dead: 

Kill a few people with Cochran on your side? Freedom. Try and get your stuff back that some punk took from you, without Cochran? Don’t drop the soap. Just ask O.J. Simpson. Burress will not be able to get out of this easily. It’s not like he’s an NFL great, he’s just that skinny guy with a weird name. This could easily cost him his job and maybe his freedom. Possession of a concealed weapon without a permit is a felony. Without a good lawyer, it will be the Longest Yard starring Michael Vick and Burress. 

1. Roger Goodell: 

Somewhere Pacman Jones is wondering how he’s managed to stay bullet free. Goodell is no slouch when it comes to punishment of NFL players. Getting shot is bad enough, but this has to annoy Goodell to no end. Hire a bodyguard or don’t go to clubs that require protection. When Goodell finally sits down with Burress, he will no doubt be full of helpful tips—start practicing your jump shot or learn to hide a razorblade in your mouth.

Tyson Qualls is a freelance writer in Phoenix, AZ. He specializes in sports commentary. He’s a been good friend of The Great White Gypsy and I for a long time now. You can read more of his work at his website, www.freewebs.com/tysonq

by The Great White Gypsy

1.  I could care less/For all intensive purposes

Why are so many people oblivious to the fact that, not only do these phrases not make sense, they are saying them wrong.  The correct phrase is “I couldn’t care less”, meaning you’re quantifying your caring at absolute zero.  “I could care less” means that you actually care, because it’s possible for you to care less than you do.  Also, it’s “for all intents and purposes”.  I realize that this phrase is somewhat redundant anyways, but what the hell does “intensive purposes” mean?  Like unintensive purposes don’t matter, but the intense ones do?  Why are people saying these phrases like they understand them?  You sound like a moron, and for all intents and purposes, I couldn’t care less about your opinions.  Douche.

2.  Islamic Fundamentalists

How many times have you heard terrorists referred to as “Islamic fundamentalists”?  That statement is inherently ignorant and discriminatory.  That is essentially saying that the religion of Islam is, at its core, a belief system based on violence, murder, and dogmatic hatred.  That’s saying that every Muslim you know owns an AK-47 and plans to strap explosives to their chest before they come to your Christmas party.  These people are Muslim extremists.  It’s like saying everyone who bombs an abortion clinic is a “Christian fundamentalist”.  I don’t know any Christians who have done that.  I’m a Christian, and I’ve never bombed an abortion clinic (except that one time, but I just got caught up in the moment).

3.  Marijuana is not addictive

Like that actually makes sense and justifies your lazy wake-and-bake habits.  When people say this, they are likening weed to cigarettes, heroin, and cocaine.  But what about Gambling?  Shopping?  Pornography?  These things are not inherently addictive; they possess no basic properties that cause chemical dependency.  But people get addicted to them nonetheless.  Have you ever actually known a pothead?  They are addicted as hell to the lifestyle of always being high, always laying around eating Funions and watching Fantasia 2000 at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon.  They have a hard time functioning in life without a doobie.  Anything can be addictive, and I do mean anything.  Don’t talk to me like you’re progressive and mellow.  You are self-righteous and wrong.  (P.S.  I like weed.)

4.  Wes Anderson is an intelligent director

Every time I tell one of these bandwagon intellectuals that I hate Wes Anderson and all his movies, they always say the same thing:  “Oh, it’s intelligent humor, you just don’t get it.”  Seriously?  Go fuck yourself.  Because you like these movies, you’re smarter than me?  The guy can’t decide if his films are comedies or emotional dramas.  He is a pretentious asshole who is still claiming to make “indie” films despite his ridiculous funding from big studios, and his all-star casts.  His camera work is rigid and unrealistic, his writing is supposed to make you think that, even though he’s not saying anything, he’s saying something profound because he’s artistic, and you are too if you like his work.  Just because something is supposed to be an intelligent film doesn’t mean it succeeds, and it doesn’t automatically make you smarter to like it.  And yes, I’ve seen all of his movies, and I still hate him.  I hate you too.

5.  Separation of Church and State

The catch phrase of the spiritually disenfranchised.  Show me where in the hell that phrase shows up in the Bill of Rights, or the Constitution.  It doesn’t.  The First Amendment says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  That means the government can’t make you follow one religion, and it can’t punish you for following any religion.  This country was founded by pilgrims.  Who is a pilgrim?  Someone on a pilgrimage.  They were seeking to worship their god in their own way.  “In God we Trust” is on our money, “One Nation, Under God” is in our pledge, because we are a country founded by the spiritually open-minded.  Saying that baby Jesus can’t appear on the courthouse steps, or the 10 commandments in the lobby, is itself a form of closed-minded persecution that ignores the basic, universal principles the United States of America was created under.  We live in a country where you aren’t shot in the face for your beliefs.  The fact that you can actually speak out against these things is itself freedom of religion as stated in the constitution.  My god offends you?  Well, your lack of one offends me.  Where does that leave us?  With a splinter in my eye, and a stick up your ass.

1. Popped Collars

The popped collar is an interesting trend, as it manages to be a sign of incredible cooler-than-you-ness while simultaneously suggesting that the wearer is a retard incapable of getting his hands over the back of his head to fix it. And have you noticed that it’s always the same guy who sports the popped collar? He’s got that surfer look with sun-streaked hair even though you know he’s too much of a bitch to brave the risk of sand in his Billabong flip-flops, with cargo shorts just baggy enough to suggest a carefree aloofness, and a mancrush on The Shins. Now, when I see a mannequin with a popped collar, I always do the poor lifeless dude a favor and fix it. But I just can’t bring myself to touch the real guy—probably because his efforts to hide the rotten stench of the elite just aren’t cutting it.

1. Emo Kids

You’ve seen them—with their asymmetrical hair and guyliner, skinny jeans and skinny band t-shirts, and deliberately aged Chucks with Sharpie-scribbled notes from all their other little emo friends. And as long as we’re talking about fashion, I’d like to say a big “Fuck you” to all the emo kids who ruined scarves for me. But… before I get carried away, I’d like to point out that it is, after all, the holiday season. And in accordance with such expected merrymaking and jolliness, I’d like to propose that we not leave the little emos out of the loop. In fact, if you’re struggling with gift ideas for the emo in your life, I’ve heard that those kooky kids love them some razor blades. Remember kids: vertical strokes.

1. The Jonas Brothers

It’s not often that you come across a single trend that portrays the degradation of our culture so accurately as does the Jonas Brothers. And all three of these douchebags look like the kind of idiot who would get his ass handed to him on a plate on a regular basis, so I’m surprised that hasn’t happened yet. If you’ve heard or even heard of their “music” then you know it is the kind of thing that creepy cat-torturing teenagers secretly listen to before embarking upon a shooting spree at school. I’m ashamed to say I have in fact listened to their “music”, but only slightly ashamed, as I was immediately debating the best method of killing these little fuckers. Given the abomination of Jeebus that the Jonas Brothers so clearly are, I think it’s definitely the time to take action. And while we’re at it, I propose we go ahead and take out all people whose last name, or first name, or pseudonym, or affectionate family moniker is Jonas. Just to, you know, prevent an uprising.

1. LOLSPEAK

Smiley faces I can deal with. Colon, hyphen, parenthesis—fair enough. But anything more than that and you’re just doing too much. As far as I can tell, either some prepubescent girl in Indiana got carried away with the punctuation or Gary Busey decided to do a social experiment to see how stupid the rest of us are, and out came a hundred little symbols for facial expressions most normal people can’t even do. According to the hipster douchebags at Wikipedia, this little nugget: %-) , means “happy but confused”. As opposed, of course, to %-( , “sad but confused”. [Note: attempting to make your eyes resemble a percent symbol may cause irreparable damage.] Here’s another one that makes you want to hit a child: o/ . Want to venture a guess as to what that represents? I’ll give you a hint: it’s a fucking cheerleader.

I suppose there might be one situation where lolspeak might come in handy. Say, the next time you see a hobo licking his own ass—at which point you could make this face: :3 , which of course means “cat-like behavior”. To which, if said hobo is up to date on his internet trends, he will reply: }:) . And you, being so hip and with it, will know that to mean “devilish smile”…

You can follow supertoast on Twitter, here.

by The Great White Gypsy

You’ve probably seen most of these titles on the shelf at your local video store.  You may have even picked a couple of them up, looked at the pictures, but then put them down and rented Definitely, Maybe instead.  You could have a friend who’s told you about a couple of them, but you never bothered to look further.  Well, now is your chance to do something about it.

These ten films are (as far as director and screenwriter) essentially one hit wonders from the last few years.  In the music industry, a one hit wonder gives you a damn good two minute song that stays on the charts for a year, and then gets pulled up from the depths on VH1 a decade later.  In the film industry, a one hit wonder is generally a guy who writes and directs a film, gets a respectable cast, and then a straight-to-DVD debut.  Half of them are garbage.  But the other half are the ones with substance, a soul; they are the reason I love film.  These are some of my favorites.

1.  Laurel Canyon (2002)

Written and Directed by: Lisa Cholodenko

Starring: Frances McDormand, Christian Bale, Kate Beckinsale, Natascha McElhone, Alessandro Nivola

An amazingly personal look at the dynamics between mother and son, newlyweds, and the desire to balance goals and relationships with self-discovery and hedonism.  You would think a married couple living with the groom’s mother would be confining, but McDormand isn’t your mom, she’s your best friend’s pot smoking, rock n roll mom.

2.  Moonlight Mile (2002)

Written and Directed by: Brad Silberling

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, Susan Sarandon, Ellen Pompeo

Gyllenhaal coming to terms with his fiancée’s violent death (Hoffman’ and Sarandon’s daughter).  Themes of guilt, grief, moving on, and forgiveness.  Very realistic and emotional, well written and actually well acted (I’m not a Jake or a Susan fan, but they were really good).

3.  The Salton Sea (2002)

Directed by: D.J. Caruso

Written by: Tony Gayton

Starring: Val Kilmer, Peter Sarsgaard, Vincent D’Onofrio, Adam Goldberg, Luis Guzman, Doug Hutchison, Anthony LaPaglia, Deborah Kara Unger

Borderline noir about Kilmer’s quest for revenge after the shooting death of his wife.  Twists and turns, compelling characters (D’Onofrio is the best coke dealer ever).  Caruso’s best film, and all the proof I needed that Kilmer is an underrated actor.  Cinematography and soundtrack are amazing.

4.  The United States of Leland (2003)

Written and Directed by: Matthew Ryan Hoge

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Don Cheadle, Chris Klein, Jena Malone, Lena Olin, Kevin Spacey, Michelle Williams

Gosling is Leland, a simple-minded teen accused of murder.  Cheadle is his counselor; Spacey is his estranged, asshole-of-a-writer father.  Everyone is trying to figure Leland out, but he shows them all their own reflections.  The somewhat docile tone of the film makes the isolated violence and emotional outbursts all the more meaningful.

5.  A Love Song for Bobby Long (2004)

Written and Directed by: Shainee Gabel

Starring: John Travolta, Scarlett Johansson, Gabriel Macht, Deborah Kara Unger

Philophiles and literary enthusiasts must see this.  Travolta actually did an off-the-radar film, and he is really good.  You sympathize with him, but you really don’t want to.  The great dialogue and literature references all mask the message that the hardest thing to do is forgive yourself.

6.  Imaginary Heroes (2004)

Written and Directed by: Dan Harris

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Emile Hirsch, Jeff Daniels, Michelle Williams, Kip Pardue

What happens when you realize that your idyllic, simple suburban life is a sham?  When Pardue commits suicide, his family must deal with the aftermath.  Very raw and emotional, but the argument against it is that it puts the audience through too much pain, and the ending doesn’t make up for it.  I disagree.  I think it very realistically shows how, with all the hardships normal people go through, you have to make the most of whatever outcome you get.

7.  Brick (2005)

Written and Directed by: Rian Johnson

Starring: Joseph Gordon Levitt, Nora Zehetner, Lukas Haas, Noah Fleiss, Emilie de Ravin, Richard Roundtree, Meagan Good

Levitt’s girlfriend is killed, and he goes on a noir-ish mission to find those responsible.  I say noir because the dialogue is right out of the thirties.  It does take a little getting used to, because it’s actually high-schoolers in 2005, but if you keep an open mind, it’s a great concept, and very well directed…ya mook.

8.  The Chumscrubber (2005)

Directed by: Arie Posin

Written by: Arie Posin and Zac Stanford

Starring: Jamie Bell, Camilla Belle, Justin Chatwin, Glenn Close, Rory Culkin, William Fichtner, Ralph Fiennes, John Heard

The Chumscrubber is a video game character that brings about the destruction of suburbia.  Actually, it’s a teenager who commits suicide, and his best friend finds his body.  The idea is that the Chumscrubber is an antihero who forces the community to reevaluate their lives and values.  If you haven’t caught on yet, I like when white suburbia gets taken down a peg.

9.  Hard Candy (2005)

Directed by: David Slade

Written by: Brian Nelson

Starring: Ellen Page, Patrick Wilson, Sandra Oh

Creepy, creepy, creepy.  Wilson finds a 15-year-old (Page) on line, and seduces her into coming to his house for some fun.  But she is actually the one in control, and proceeds to torture her antagonist-turned-victim in really messed up ways.  It blurs lines in a big way.  Should we despise Wilson for being a sexual predator, or feel bad for his misfortune?  Should we cheer for Page for turning the tables, or condemn her for violent hypocracy?  Who is right, who is the victim, and what is really forgivable?

10.  Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005)

Written and Directed by: Miranda July

Starring: John Hawkes, Miranda July

This is about…wait, what is this movie about?  I’ve seen it four times, and every time I love it, but every time I don’t know why.  The dialogue and characters aren’t just realistic, they’re uber-realistic (conversation is awkward and clumsy at times; I can’t relate, but I know people who can).  It is essentially about everyone’s need to be accepted, loved, and valued for who they are, rather than who they think they should pretend to be.

You may still be skeptical, but think about this: D.J. Caruso and David Slade aside, these are all one hit wonders by writer/directors who never did anything else.  However, look at the casting.  Everything besides #10 is full of big names.  Even if you don’t trust me, trust the actors.  Most of them know what they’re doing.