10. Sleigh Bells - Treats

This is one of those love it or hate it records. If you’re like me, you’ll love it for its sheer sonic presence. Sleigh Bells has this whole Phil Spector-esque, wall of sound thing going on—guitars, synths and drums layered upon even more guitars, synths and drums. Treats is, by far, one of the most visceral, energetic albums I’ve ever heard. EVER. It’s sounds like Tobacco and the 1988 version of Trent Reznor did a bunch of crank and decided to make a record. If you’re a fucking idiot not like me, you’ll hate it for its perceived aimlessness, dismissing it as trendy, hipster, noise pop. And then you’ll be wrong. Luckily, this is my list and not yours. So go fuck off.

9. The Left - Gas Mask

In a Detroit Hip Hop scene crowded with giants like Black Milk, Eminem, Royce Da 5’9” and Elzhi, The Left have declared themselves a major force. Listening to this record is like traveling back in time. Back to a time when Hip Hop was about lyricism, crate digging, dope samples and that boom-bap bounce. This is what I imagine Hip Hop would sound like if Biggie had lived past his 24th birthday, Birdman’s mother had an abortion and we were never subjected to the Cash Money era. In an era of watered down music, when YouTube hits are more valued than artistic integrity, The Left reminds us of the sound of authenticity. Gas Mask is all that is Hip Hop.

8. Sleepy Sun - Fever

I’ve never really been a huge psych-rock fan. I absolutely loved the Black Lips single, Veni Vidi Vici. But outside of that, I could take it or leave it. That was until this album changed my mind about the entire genre. I could effuse all day about the uncanny balance between their dual vocalists, the rich guitar textures, the progression between gentle acoustic instrumentation to huge, anthemic choruses. But this album can really be summed in three simple words: Motherfucking. Harmonica. Solos.

7. Ghostface Killah - Apollo Kids

Like The Left’s Gas Mask, Ghost’s 9th solo album reminded me why I love Hip Hop. Apollo Kids is Tony Starks’ best album since Ironman. And despite the absence of any RZA-produced tracks, it’s a throwback to that old-school Ghostface sound. Gone are the R&B-tinged slow jams of Ghostdini Wizard Of Poetry In Emerald City. This record is straight bars with production from some of the industry’s finest—Pete Rock, Jake One, and Sean C & LV, among others. With a few more spins, Ghostface may just edge out The GZA for my personal favorite Wu-Tang member … maybe².

6. Army of The Pharaohs - The Unholy Terror

The Army of The Pharaohs aren’t interested in making beautiful music. They don’t care if their single knocks in the club. They couldn’t give a fuck less about Beemers, Benzs or Bentleys. All they want to do is make the illest, most aggressive Hip Hop you can imagine. And when every member can spit hot fire, they do this exceedingly well. Seven minutes into the album and you’ve already been instructed to kill at least seven people³. You need to listen to this album immediately.

5. The Tallest Man On Earth - The Wild Hunt

As far as musicianship goes, The Tallest Man On Earth wins the year. Rarely do you find one who can produce such impassioned vocals while displaying such spectacular guitar chops. Seeing him perform, so effortlessly, is just as impressive. Sadly, knowing he’s from Sweden, the entire time I listed to this record all I could think about was Tom Green’s seminal, 1999 classic, Lonely Swedish.

4. Sharon Van Etten - Epic

Understated and incredibly engaging, Epic made this list the moment it came through my headphones. Building upon 2009’s under-appreciated Because I Was In Love, Van Etten crafts a record that stands tall among a field full of middling singer/songwriters. Her honest, pleading lyrics float over stripped down guitars, grab hold of your attention and don’t relent till the album fades out. Though not as minimalistic as her earlier work, this album adds just enough instrumental depth—sparse drums, light strings, even a faint accordion—to create something that is, in a word, epic. My only complaint is its length. At seven tracks and just over 32 minutes, this feels almost like an EP. Regardless, it’s 32 minutes of captivating sound. I highly recommend you give Epic a listen.

3. The Roots - How I Got Over

The Roots have to be, without a doubt, the most underrated band of all-time. 23 years, 14 albums and the greatest concert film ever. Yet people still think of them as “that band on Jimmy Fallon.” If you’re one of those people, go fuck yourself. The Roots are one of Hip Hop’s proudest progeny. How I Got Over is just the latest in catalog full of classics from the Philly ensemble. Black Thought again proves he should be in the discussion of greatest MCs of this generation. The Roots crew puts together an all-star cast of guest spots and combines them into a unified sound that is still decidedly Hip Hop. But the craziest thing about this album is that it wasn’t even the illest Roots moment of the year. That would have to be this.

2. Cocoon - Where The Oceans End

You know how when you’re a kid and you proclaim, “I love chocolate ice cream!” And then some other asshole kid says, “Then, why don’t you marry your chocolate ice cream?” Yeah? Well, first off, fuck that kid. Secondly, I love this album. And also, I would totally marry this album. Cocoon’s Where The Oceans End is, by far, the most aurally enchanting album of the year. Quiet, controlled and absolutely gorgeous. The magic of Cocoon is their ability to maintain a cohesive aesthetic, while creating distinctive tracks and without falling into the trap of sameness and repetition. How often do you hear a band that is great at one thing, but only that one thing? As a result, track four is indistinguishable from track seven, everything blends together and you eventually forget about the album⁴. This is not the case with Where The Oceans End. In this album, the French duo are able to create tracks that stand alone as great songs. Yet they still feel part of a greater whole. I can’t praise this record enough. Cocoon is the best thing to come out of France since cheese-eating surrender monkeys

1. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I almost named this post, “Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and 9 Other Pretty Good Records.” It’s just that good. This album has dominated best-of lists this year—Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, SPIN. And usually, I feel like a tool agreeing with those guys. But this time, I have to admit, they got it right. This album is awesome. Not in the general way people use the word awesome—but it actually inspires awe. Kanye didn’t just make the album of the year, he made the album of his life. I’ve been critical of Kanye in the past. It always felt like he was reaching for and falling short of the sublimity of College Dropout. As a result, his proceeding albums, especially 808s and Heartbreak, showed a steady decline. But with MBDTF, he’s done it. His lyrics have finally caught up to his production. This record doesn’t feel like a coda to his first three albums or a sequel to the experimental 808s. It’s a proclamation of greatness. He’s coming for that throne. And, if he ain’t got it, he’s coming after whoever who has it.

Seriously, if you don’t like this album (Yes, I’m looking at you), you should probably just stop listening to music. You’re doing it wrong.

Honorable Mentions

• Childish Gambino - Culdesac (Free download here)
• Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned The Hard Way
• Joanna Newsom - Have One On Me
• These New Puritans - Hidden
• The Roots and John Legend - Wake Up!
• Hot Chip - One Life Stand
• Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
• Ian Kamau - Love & Other Struggles, Vol. 3 (Free download here)
• Vinne Paz- The Season of The Assassin
• Black Keys - Brothers

By now we’ve all heard about the wacky pastor from Florida and his Qur’an-burning parties. Seriously, does anything good come out of Florida anymore? Citrus. That is all.

I’d like to point out two things if I may. The first is that the opponents of this brilliantly intricate plan (among them our President) are saying we can’t do this because it would offend Muslims who had nothing to do with 9/11. They also say the retaliation from Muslims will be immediate, against Americans and US personnel who had nothing to do with the book burning. Is anyone else getting tired of how fucking stupid everyone else is?

The second point is that book burnings are almost a tradition in Western culture. The church denounces a scientific theory, and Origin of the Species goes up in flames. Someone says a naughty word, and copies of Catcher in the Rye are sold with a complimentary match. Someone is angry at the church, and…

Sorry, Pastor Jones. You don’t fucking burn bibles. Anyone’s bible.

But in the spirit of peaceful resolution and enlightenment, I wish to propose a compromise. Instead of attacking classic literature, amazing prose, and the entire belief system of a people, let’s start making lists of books everyone can enjoy burning. Ok, here’s mine.

If I Did it by O.J. Simpson
I don’t care if you did it or not, what kind of idiotic stupid writes a book called “If I Did It” after they are aquitted of two counts of MURDER? He might as well have called it, “Gotcha Suckas!” Who lets these things happen? Where’s the gas can?

T.O. by Terrell Owens
Ok, so you may have been an awesome wide receiver at one point in your career. But you seem to have forgotten rule numero uno in the game: There’s no fucking crying in football. Bo Jackson got broken in half. Bill Romanowski is immortal because he steals dudes’ souls by falling on them. And you’re pouting about your mental and emotional problems? I can’t wait for the follow up co-written by Vince Young: Stop Calling Us Names, or We’ll Tell Roger Goodell. BURN.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
I’m not joking. For all the hype surrounding this book and the lukewarm film adaptation, it’s SO FREAKING BORING. They walk, they look at things, they have awkwardly worded conversations, they walk some more. “The man stepped in ash, and noticed the city was covered in ash, and there was ash on his son’s head, ash ash ash.” You want ash? I’ll show you ash, you boring bastard.

The Entire Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer
If John Connor knew the kind of bullshit these books would rain down on us, he’d have told Michael Biehn, “fuck the Terminator wars, you go back and punch Stephanie Meyer square in the mouth.” These go on the pile, and never again do I see grown-ass soccer moms falling over each other for teenagers, or high-schoolers wearing tails and fangs.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Ok, so I have nothing wrong with this book. I’m sure it’s a fine read. But at this point, asking me why I haven’t read it is like asking Jim Gaffigan why he doesn’t eat mayonnaise. I don’t want to read it. I have zero desire, I will probably never read it, now leave me alone, or so help me this blow torch will do the Lord’s work.

Rope

Director: Alfred Hitchcock
Year: 1948
Cast: James Stewart, John Dall, Farley Granger
It’s no secret that Hitchcock was/is the master of suspense. But with The Birds, Vertigo, and Psycho, the suspense is based on implied violence, terrified actors, and a tense soundtrack. With Rope, the tension is there in spades, but it’s totally based on situational dialog. The mixture of suspense with Dostoevskian/Nietzschian philosophies on justice boggled my innocent little mind. This is why I fell in love with Hitchcock films.
Same Shit, Different Day: Murder By Numbers

Touch of Evil

Director: Orson Welles
Year: 1958
Cast: Orson Welles, Charlton Heston, Janet Leigh
According to my dad, Orson Welles was the Quentin Tarantino of his day. I agree. The guy was a little off, and after Citizen Kane, he did a lot of weird crap (including his War of the Worlds hoax broadcast). But when I watched Touch of Evil, I knew Welles was not fucking around. Once I got over Heston’s bad Mexican accent, and the fact that Orson Welles ate Citizen Kane and his sled, i was more than impressed. From the first long tracking shot that would make Joe Wright feel like a bitch, Welles’ simple yet expert and genius filmmaking allows the characters to be completely and engagingly flushed out. Whether you’re a film buff or not, everyone should see this film.
Same Shit, Different Day: L.A. Confidential, Training Day

Carnival of Souls

Director: Herk Harvey
Year: 1962
Cast: Candace Hilligoss
The problem with old school horror films is that they tend to be…laughable. Especially if it’s black and white, the over acting and archaic special effects are lost on a generation that’s watching ghosts and ghouls in 3-D IMAX. But for open-minded youngsters such as myself, this one was food for thought. We always think that the crazy shit we see in movies is new; that the concepts weren’t even considered forty years ago. When I saw this I realized that, technology aside, so much of what we watch now has already been on screen at some point. The surrealistic cinematography is, at the very least, worthy of David Lynch’s early work. And the ending, while not as interesting, does make Shyamalan look even more unoriginal (I HATE that I can’t spoil a movie from the ‘60’s for you people…stupid conscience).
Same Shit, Different Day: The Sixth Sense, Mulholland Drive

Bunny Lake is Missing

Director: Otto Preminger
Year: 1965
Cast: Laurence Olivier, Carol Lynley, Keir Dullea
When I saw this film, I didn’t know who Preminger was. I wasn’t 100% on who Olivier was either, but I kinda got the feeling it was a departure for him, so I picked it up. Not only was I impressed by his role, but I was struck by the fact that it wasn’t the most impressive part of the film. Granted, a slow, downward spiral of emotion and personal sanity wasn’t pulled off as well in 1965, but the attempt in such an early era for film is commendable. Not many people can be crazy, and still keep up with Olivier’s acting, but Lynley pulled it off. If I didn’t expect the ending in the nineties, I’m willing to bet it made a lot of beatnik heads explode.
Same Shit, Different Day: Session 9, The Machinist

Straw Dogs

Director: Sam Peckinpah
Year: 1971
Cast: Dustin Hoffman, Susan George, Peter Vaughan
I know that this one doesn’t exactly fit with the others. I also know that, as far as Peckinpah films, The Getaway is the standard (at least for Tarantino). But as violent and crazy and McQueen’s epic is, Straw Dogs is much more complex and morally vague to me. He may be a funny old Focker now, but back in the day, Hoffman definitely fit the part of an easy target for bullying. His character goes beyond sympathetic, and you actually pity him the way you pity a three-legged dog. The disconnect with him is so bad in the first half that, in probably the most graphic mainstream cinema rape scene up to that point, there’s a microscopic voice in your head asking if his wife isn’t smiling a little, happy to finally have a real man. This actually makes the crime that much more horrendous. Peckinpah’s style is usually graphic and in-your-face, but this one was so layered and ambiguous, it really stuck with me.
Same Shit, Different Day Panic Room, Irreversible

HONORABLE MENTIONS

• The Getaway (Sam Peckinpah, 1972)
• The Night of the Hunter (Charles Laughton, 1955)
• Strait-Jacket (William Castle, 1964)
• The Trial (Orson Welles, 1962)
• Murder on the Orient Express (Sidney Lumet, 1974)
• The Manchurian Candidate (John Frankenheimer, 1962)
• Laura (Otto Preminger, 1944)
• Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (Robert Aldrich, 1962)
• Panic in the Streets (Elia Kazan, 1950)
• The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (Joseph Sargent, 1974)

Here are my top five albums of last year¹, in no particular order…

Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

Even though it didn’t drop till June, Bitte Orca was probably my most played record of 2009. Packed with exquisite soundscapes and harmonies like you’ve never heard, Dirty Projectors broke new ground with this release.

The xx - xx

I’m generally not the biggest chillwave/dream-pop fan. But after sitting with The xx’s debut for a few days, they officially converted me. This is the most accessible album I’ve heard in the genre. A perfect record to throw on after a long day and chill-the-fuck-out to, I highly recommend it.

Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Part II

Sadly, only one Hip Hop album made my list. I would’ve loved to see Clipse, Slaughterhouse or Mos Def crack the top five. But, at the end of the day, Raekwon’s follow-up to his 1995 masterpiece was the only one I deemed worthy. When I first read about Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Part II, I had my reservations. Why did RZA only produced three tracks? Could they bring the same fire 14 years later? Why was the album art so wack? But The Chef proved me wrong and cooked up a worthy successor. If this month’s Wu Massacre is half as good as this was, I’ll be happy (at least, it’ll have better artwork)

Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement

I declared A Strange Arrangement an instant classic the day I heard it. It is one of those timeless records that could have come out in 1969, 2009 or 2049 and it would still be dope. Reminiscent of legends like Isaac Hayes, Curtis Mayfield and Marvin, yet with a modern flavor, Mayer Hawthorne has crafted a near perfect album.

Blockhead - Music Scene

Blockhead’s The Music Scene is the only instrumental album on the list. Splicing together an eclectic mix of Hip Hop, Trip Hop and Electronica, Blockhead is one the most slept on producers in the game. He’s worked extensively with Aesop Rock, in addition to releasing four solo albums. Though not quite as epic in scale as his 2007 release, Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book, The Music Scene stands on its own merits. It was impossible to separate one track out of the album to embed in this post, so I decided to go with a 30-minute album sampler mixed by DK, that was released by Ninja Tune on Soundclound. Enjoy.

Honorable Mentions

There were tons of albums that didn’t make the final cut. Here are some of my favorites that missed out. Again, in no particular order:

• Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More ²
• Mos Def - The Ecstatic
• Clipse - Till The Casket Drops
• Slaughterhouse - Slaughterhouse
• Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport
• Animal Collective- Merriweather Post Pavilion
• Girls - Album
• Modest Mouse- No One’s First and You’re Next³
• Sharon Van Etten - Because I Was In Love
• Bill Callahan - Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle

1.  M. Night Shayamalan

The Sixth Sense was freaking awesome, with an eerie atmosphere, and one of the best plot twists up to that point.  Everything M. Night has done since then has sucked balls.  Unbreakable was the worst superhero film ever (“They call me Mr. Glass.” Are you fucking serious?).  Signs was retarded, the Village had a lot of potential, but of course he fucked it up.  Lady in the Water?  Won’t even discuss it.  And now he’s running out of titles.  The Happening.  How vague.  He is actually a great director technically; he’s had amazing scenes in every film he’s done.  His problem is he sucks at writing, and he writes all the films he directs.  No more plot twists, for the love of god!  They are all fucking awful, and he’s taken at least 12 hours from my life that I can’t get back.  And appearing in his own films?  Hitchcock was a genius; you sir, are an ass.

2.  Wes Anderson

Jason Schwartzman may have been a funny, successful actor if Anderson hadn’t thrown him under the Darjeeling Limited.  This is a guy who thinks he’s edgy and indie and inspired.  None of his films are indie; just because Touchstone hasn’t been big since the ‘80’s doesn’t make you a starving artist.  His camera work is rigid, his characters are unbelievable, and he can’t decide if he wants to be funny or dramatic.  The best part about his films is the music, but that doesn’t save him.  You want to be artsy and independent? Grab a Super 8 camera and film something in your basement.  And if I hear one more person say, “it’s just an intelligent kind of humor”, I will punch you in the face.

3.  Oliver Stone

Just because this guy’s father never loved him, and his favorite history professor gave him C’s through college, doesn’t mean I have to suffer for two hours.  What is it about this guy that is redeeming?  Platoon was not as good as everyone thinks it was.  Wall Street was the only good film he ever made.  Natural Born Killers was a Tarantino script, and Stone still fucked it up.  Every single movie he makes, it’s like he’s saying, “Look at me professor, I got facts right, give me a cookie!  Look daddy, I superimposed Joe Namath over Jamie Foxx, do you love me yet?”  I would be more upset about his political adgenda (Nixon, W, JFK, World Trade), but he’s just such a douchebag, I’ve stopped caring.  I can’t wait for Born on the 5^th of July.

4.  David Cronenberg

Am I the only one who remembers that this guy started out making bullshit B movies like The Fly and Videodrome?  In the mid ‘90’s, he tried to be more introspective with social commentaries like Crash and eXistenz, and he failed.  Now, he’s adapting graphic novels into uninspired films, and people are inviting him to the Oscars? Fuck that.  A History of Violence was a dumb movie, and so was Eastern Promises.  His violence and fighting is so scripted it’s ridiculous.  I really think he’s just coming up with different excuses to see Viggo Mortensen naked.  His films are predictable and monotonous; he should see if Viggo’s willing to be in The Fly III.

5.  Joe Wright

This asshole is the most pretentious thing to come out of Hollywood in decades.  He’s like that friend you hate because you know he’s not intelligent or artistic, but he pretends so well because he wants to sleep with your girlfriend.  It’s as if he started with Pride and Prejudice, and now he’s stuck in Jane Austen mode, and we can’t turn him off.  His most recent project (The Soloist) was actually a true story; a heartfelt, inspiring, real story about music, and he turned it into Atonement 2.  I actually feel insulted watching his camera work, and the bullshit artsy scenes he throws in at random.  For the love of God, someone turn him off before he makes Die Hard 5: No More Sensibility.

1. The Joker

The mysteries of Joker’s origins can best be summed up in his own words, “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another…if I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!”

This guy is so fucking insane, it borders on genius. But the best thing about The Joker is that he doesn’t have a singular objective. Granted, he enjoys attempting to murder Batman as much as the next guy. But he genuinely delights in carnage, mayhem and mass-murder. His intricate plans and unpredictability make him a dangerous arch nemesis.

2. Green Goblin

While Sam Raimi’s film may have slightly exaggerated Norman Osborn’s relationship with Spider-Man. The Green Goblin was an enduring force to be reckoned with. Osborn may have been benevolent, but his alter ego was completely batshit crazy and out to kill Spider-Man. Rich, smart and strong as hell (thanks to his patented drugs), he spawned several imitators, but none could match.

3. Magneto

Magneto is possibly the most respectable and sympathetic villain out there. When he was a child, his family was taken to Auschwitz, where he was forced to operate the gas chamber controls. He later befriended Charles Xavier (leader of the X-Men), both men being very intelligent and devoted to preserving mutant life. However, his experience with the Nazis led Magneto to lead a preemptive strike against humanity. Fearing another holocaust, he will stop at nothing to protect his Brotherhood.

4. Venom/Carnage/Toxin

We put these three together because they’re essentially the same thing. Venom was the original, an alien symbiote who first bonded with Spider-Man, making him a little evil, then with Eddie Brock, the anti-Peter Parker. Brock’s murderous tendencies turned the alien into a nasty Spider-Man doppelganger, with all of his powers and agility. The same symbiote was responsible for turning a serial killer into Carnage, basically Venom except more insane and dangerous. Carnage then begat Toxin, who, despite being labeled as a villain, was actually a good guy with a Jekyll and Hyde kind of dichotomy. Venom helped stop Carnage, Toxin helped stop Carnage and Venom…

5. Dr. Doom

He’s the usurped heir to an eastern European gypsy empire. He’s an expert in sorcery, alchemy, and metallurgy. He’s rich, strong, made of metal, and shoots sparkly things out of his fingertips. And he’s really pissed off. Sure, the Fantastic Four isn’t the coolest superhero group ever, but one on four, and he still holds his own. That and his actual name is Victor Von Doom…how can he not be a badass?

Honorable Mentions

The Riddler

An obsessive compulsive with a question mark painted on his chest may not be the greatest villain ever (especially after Jim Carrey and Joel Schumacher got done with him), but The Riddler is an interesting character. Most of his crimes are non-violent, and he never tries to outright kill Batman. Instead, he attempts to beat him in a game of wit, always giving Batman a way out should he solve the puzzle, and he nearly outsmarts him every time. He’s crazy, but in a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest kinda way, not a Dahmer kinda way.

Brainiac

Since his introduction in 1958, Brainiac’s origin story has been changed several times, but the essentials stay the same. He is basically a brain and nervous system who finds host bodies. He also controls computers, which, added to his psychic abilities, makes him a formidable foe for Superman (he’s big and strong, but not all that bright). He’s more of a nuisance, but he’s more tenacious than Doomsday (whose body he actually controlled in an epic battle for earth…nerdy).

1. Batman

Over the last few decades, Batman has transformed from a blue/gray sketch in a comic, to the campy Adam West, to a dark and brooding puppet of Frank Miller. He’s completely human. Growing up, you believed you could be Batman. You didn’t have to get bitten by a radioactive spider or be born a mutant. His powers were being ripped as shit, smart as hell and richer than God—all things that seem perfectly attainable to the average 10 year old.

He is the quintessential vigilante. Battling a rogue’s gallery of villains crazier than any other hero, he’s multi-layered character that we’ve only begun to fully understand.

2. The Punisher

It’s like the guys at Marvel asked themselves, “How could we make Batman more badass?” Kill his wife and kids, paint a skull on his chest, and give him more guns than a Mexican drug cartel. Yup. That’ll do it.

He’s not as complex as The Dark Knight. But he fights the good fight and has no problem putting two in your dome if you’re a bad guy.

3. Ghost Rider

John Blaze makes a deal with the devil to save his father from cancer. The cancer goes away and then his dad dies in a motorcycle accident. Man, that Lucifer is shifty…

Ghost Rider’s motives are pure, protecting his loved ones at any cost. It’s just that at night, he turns into the most evil-looking superhero ever and spits hot fire out of a shotgun. You might not like Nicholas Cage or Method Man, but you gotta love the Ghost Rider.

4. Rorshach

Rorshach is fucking crazy, a murdering psychopath, but his morals are clearly defined. His mask is made from scraps of a dress designed by Dr. Manhattan for Kitty Genovese. The lines constantly change, but it’s always black and white. To him, being soft on criminals means letting them live. Raised by a whore, Rorschach can’t connect with society. He sees the world as a cesspool of sex, drugs and violence. But still, he seeks to save the world from itself. And he refuses to compromise even in the face of Armageddon.

5. Wolverine

For being such an enduring superhero figure, we don’t know much about Wolverine. His history is shrouded in mystery. We know he has those crazy fucking claws. We know he can regenerate. We know he was born in the late 1800s and his powers manifested early in life. But his backstory is full of contradictions and missing links. So much so that Wolverine spends most of his adventures trying to understand his past.

But anytime you have a guy that was an experimental weapon, an assassin, a samurai and saved the world, you have to be intrigued.

Blade

Blade is a superhero—that wants to drink your blood? That’s just cool. Half vampire, half human, Blade has all their strengths and none of their weaknesses (except, of course, for the thirst. But Kris Kristofferson will take care of that). With an arsenal like The Punisher’s and agility like Wolverine, Blade is by far the coolest vampire ever.

Gambit Abandoned by his family because of his glowing red eyes, Gambit was raised by a guild of thieves in New Orleans. After killing his fiancee’s disapproving brother, he was exiled and spent his life as a thief and mercenary before being picked up by Mr. Sinister (a really, really bad guy). Sinister helped him develop his powers in exchange for violent favors. Soon after, the X-Men took him in and he’s been throwing supercharged poker cars at bad guys ever since.

Spawn

Spawn would deserve an honorable mention, if only because Todd MacFarlane drew the comics. That man could make the Care Bears seem menacing. Spawn is a lot darker than most comics and is considered to be more of an anti-hero than a superhero. He dies, goes to hell and sells his soul to a demon to come back and see his wife one last time. Once back on earth, he desperately tries to hang on to his humanity and ends up doing battle with an insane assortment of evildoers.

5. 35 million dollars: 

Protect your investment. If someone were offered 35 million dollars to play a game, would the next move be to go get wasted, grab a handgun, and head to a sketchy club in New York City? It seems no matter what happens the NFL will never learn from its mistakes. Next season we can look forward to Tom Brady dropping E, heading to San Francisco’s Castro district, and finally switching teams.   

4. He thinks “turning on the safety” means sending a hooker to Ed Reed’s room: 

Guns have safety mechanisms on them for a reason. If you tuck your gun into your waistband and it happens to slip down below the boxer line, the safety plays a crucial role in the recovery process. Burress should know this. Hasn’t he seen Band of Brothers? Whether it’s a .9 or a Luger, shooting yourself in the leg is never cool. 

3. He looks like an anorexic Mr. T. and concealed weapons spell trouble for the A-Team: 

The goatee is terrible, but it does give him a striking resemblance to Mr. T. That being said, he is even more of role model for kids. And like Mr. T always says, “I pity the fool who shoots himself in the leg.” All the pity in the world won’t bring him back to his A-Team (Giants) now. 

2. Johnnie Cochran is dead: 

Kill a few people with Cochran on your side? Freedom. Try and get your stuff back that some punk took from you, without Cochran? Don’t drop the soap. Just ask O.J. Simpson. Burress will not be able to get out of this easily. It’s not like he’s an NFL great, he’s just that skinny guy with a weird name. This could easily cost him his job and maybe his freedom. Possession of a concealed weapon without a permit is a felony. Without a good lawyer, it will be the Longest Yard starring Michael Vick and Burress. 

1. Roger Goodell: 

Somewhere Pacman Jones is wondering how he’s managed to stay bullet free. Goodell is no slouch when it comes to punishment of NFL players. Getting shot is bad enough, but this has to annoy Goodell to no end. Hire a bodyguard or don’t go to clubs that require protection. When Goodell finally sits down with Burress, he will no doubt be full of helpful tips—start practicing your jump shot or learn to hide a razorblade in your mouth.

Tyson Qualls is a freelance writer in Phoenix, AZ. He specializes in sports commentary. He’s a been good friend of The Great White Gypsy and I for a long time now. You can read more of his work at his website, www.freewebs.com/tysonq

by The Great White Gypsy

1.  I could care less/For all intensive purposes

Why are so many people oblivious to the fact that, not only do these phrases not make sense, they are saying them wrong.  The correct phrase is “I couldn’t care less”, meaning you’re quantifying your caring at absolute zero.  “I could care less” means that you actually care, because it’s possible for you to care less than you do.  Also, it’s “for all intents and purposes”.  I realize that this phrase is somewhat redundant anyways, but what the hell does “intensive purposes” mean?  Like unintensive purposes don’t matter, but the intense ones do?  Why are people saying these phrases like they understand them?  You sound like a moron, and for all intents and purposes, I couldn’t care less about your opinions.  Douche.

2.  Islamic Fundamentalists

How many times have you heard terrorists referred to as “Islamic fundamentalists”?  That statement is inherently ignorant and discriminatory.  That is essentially saying that the religion of Islam is, at its core, a belief system based on violence, murder, and dogmatic hatred.  That’s saying that every Muslim you know owns an AK-47 and plans to strap explosives to their chest before they come to your Christmas party.  These people are Muslim extremists.  It’s like saying everyone who bombs an abortion clinic is a “Christian fundamentalist”.  I don’t know any Christians who have done that.  I’m a Christian, and I’ve never bombed an abortion clinic (except that one time, but I just got caught up in the moment).

3.  Marijuana is not addictive

Like that actually makes sense and justifies your lazy wake-and-bake habits.  When people say this, they are likening weed to cigarettes, heroin, and cocaine.  But what about Gambling?  Shopping?  Pornography?  These things are not inherently addictive; they possess no basic properties that cause chemical dependency.  But people get addicted to them nonetheless.  Have you ever actually known a pothead?  They are addicted as hell to the lifestyle of always being high, always laying around eating Funions and watching Fantasia 2000 at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon.  They have a hard time functioning in life without a doobie.  Anything can be addictive, and I do mean anything.  Don’t talk to me like you’re progressive and mellow.  You are self-righteous and wrong.  (P.S.  I like weed.)

4.  Wes Anderson is an intelligent director

Every time I tell one of these bandwagon intellectuals that I hate Wes Anderson and all his movies, they always say the same thing:  “Oh, it’s intelligent humor, you just don’t get it.”  Seriously?  Go fuck yourself.  Because you like these movies, you’re smarter than me?  The guy can’t decide if his films are comedies or emotional dramas.  He is a pretentious asshole who is still claiming to make “indie” films despite his ridiculous funding from big studios, and his all-star casts.  His camera work is rigid and unrealistic, his writing is supposed to make you think that, even though he’s not saying anything, he’s saying something profound because he’s artistic, and you are too if you like his work.  Just because something is supposed to be an intelligent film doesn’t mean it succeeds, and it doesn’t automatically make you smarter to like it.  And yes, I’ve seen all of his movies, and I still hate him.  I hate you too.

5.  Separation of Church and State

The catch phrase of the spiritually disenfranchised.  Show me where in the hell that phrase shows up in the Bill of Rights, or the Constitution.  It doesn’t.  The First Amendment says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  That means the government can’t make you follow one religion, and it can’t punish you for following any religion.  This country was founded by pilgrims.  Who is a pilgrim?  Someone on a pilgrimage.  They were seeking to worship their god in their own way.  “In God we Trust” is on our money, “One Nation, Under God” is in our pledge, because we are a country founded by the spiritually open-minded.  Saying that baby Jesus can’t appear on the courthouse steps, or the 10 commandments in the lobby, is itself a form of closed-minded persecution that ignores the basic, universal principles the United States of America was created under.  We live in a country where you aren’t shot in the face for your beliefs.  The fact that you can actually speak out against these things is itself freedom of religion as stated in the constitution.  My god offends you?  Well, your lack of one offends me.  Where does that leave us?  With a splinter in my eye, and a stick up your ass.