It’s been a couple weeks since reports appeared online concerning Washington Wizards players Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton reenacting the OK Corral in the locker room. It was alluded to that a gambling debt dispute resulted in guns being drawn, and threats being made. A few days later, it turned out that there was neither anger nor loaded firearms involved. My first thought when reading the original erroneous headline was “Washington D.C. basketball players pulling guns? That’s not news.” (it’s not racist; I have been to the Murder McDonald’s, and I have seen the light.) My next thought, besides hoping someone got fired for the slip, was self-righteous irritation. I attributed this to our current culture of instant gratification, and our dependance on quickly formed, poorly edited news stories taken from kindles and twitters and magical unicorns that shit pistachio ice cream (all equally legitimate and reliable news sources). Then I remembered the presidential campaign of Harry Truman (see more below…or in a book somewhere) and I humbly apologized to the unicorn nearest me. Our fast-paced culture has it’s shortcomings, to be sure. But without that same pace, we wouldn’t have known the true story until weeks, maybe months later, after all plane tickets to the D.C. area were cancelled. So here is a list of some other headlines that…jumped the gun…in history. Most of them are much more earth-shattering than a simple court-side misunderstanding, but just think about reading these when they were first published, and not learning until months later that they were wrong. …god bless twitter.

1. “Passengers Safely Moved and Steamer Titanic Taken in Tow” (Christian Science Monitor, April 15, 1912) If you didn’t know it before James Cameron left Kate Winslet alone on a floating door, you know it now. This boat sank. However, initial reports told people that not only was everyone aboard the Titanic alive, but the ship itself was intact and being towed to port. Cameron apologized for Titanic by making Avatar. Wonder what those damn Christian Scientists had to do…

2. “Dewey Defeats Truman” (Chicago Tribune, November 3, 1948) In an attempt to make the deadline for the first edition, the Tribune decided to close the 1948 presidential election early and run their own headline. The picture of PRESIDENT Harry S. Truman holding up the Tribune with a smile can be seen in history books and political magazines to this day. Presumably, New York Governor Thomas Dewey took it pretty hard. Although among those most effected were his brothers, Huey and Luey, and close family friend Launchpad. Wait, what was I talking about?

3.”JFK Raps Fault-Finders In Nation” (The Lexington Leader, November 22, 1963) Imagine picking up a newspaper to see how the president’s address went earlier that day, and seeing that it apparently went well (haha, take THAT you lousy republicans!). Then you call your friend to talk about it, and you’re friend’s like, “Dude, the president got shot in the face on his way to make that speech.” Something about a grassy troll and a large suppository, you aren’t really listening…your whole world’s upside-down face.

4. “Congressman’s Flight Reportedly Forced to Soviet Isle” (United Press International, September 1, 1983) In the midst of the cold war, this report - stating that Georgia Congressman Larry McDonald and 268 passengers had been forced to land by Russian fighter planes - was stirring enough. Think of the outrage when it turned out that, rather than asking KAL flight 007 to land, those wodka-loving SOB’s put a missile up it’s ass, effectively creating conspiracy theories as big as JFK and 9/11. When asked why the incident occurred, the Russians began weeping, repeating only: “Fucking bear is fucking mother!”

5. “Kerry’s Choice: Dem picks Gephardt as VP candidate” (The New York Post, July 6, 2004) I remember the slight confusion after this article was released. It turned out Kerry had actually picked John Edwards to run with him, and no one told the Post. Imagine Gephardt’s reaction, like the cool kids finally invited him to play kickball, then yelled, “Just kidding, loser!” and ran off. Now imagine Edwards reading that with his morning coffee. This explains the original title of his memoirs: “John Kerry is a cheating whore.”

6. “‘Alive!’ Miners beat odds” (USA Today, January 4, 2006) We all remember this mining tragedy in West Virginia, and how dedicated the search and rescue operations were. Even with the entire country watching, multiple newspapers ran the story that 12 of the 13 trapped miners had survived. Turned out, there was a “slight miscommunication”, and in reality 12 had actually died. This leads me to the conclusion that either USA Today can’t tell the difference between dead people and the living (which would make them US Weekly), or that people in West Virginia really can’t count to 13. I mean, I saw Wrong Turn, but I thought that was just a story…

It was a great day in W.H.O.ville, the sun was shining bright
And it looked like the Who were going to be alright
The market was up, and the president was “down”,
Every Who walked around without a single Who-frown.
But there was one soul that didn’t feel happy, it seemed,
That was Sam-I-Am, and he looked a bit green.

He’d just gotten back from a trip to Cancun,
Just a quick week of drinking, and chasing Who-poon.
But now that he was home, he just didn’t feel well,
“It might only be a cold, it’s just so hard to tell.”
So he went to the doctor to get diagnosed,
“Looks like this is a new virus, and you’re the first host!”

The Doctor called the news stations, “I’ve discovered swine flu!”
They liked H1N1 better, but they said, “That’ll do.”
The cameras lit up, and the words scrolled across
And the Who down in W.H.O.ville thought all would be lost.
They blocked off the churches and closed all the bars
And they screamed, “We’ll all die! Don’t you remember Who-Sars?”

Then reports started coming in of one Who that had died,
The Who-media said more (but I think that they lied)
But who was this one that had started the panic?
To make the Who freak out like they were on the Titanic?
A Who-Mexican baby in Texas, that’s all
But a casualty’s a casualty, no matter how small.

Then the Who Health Orginazation said the word “pandemic”
Most Who don’t know the difference between that and “antiseptic”
So the Who-medical centers were full to the gills
From healthy hypochondriacs trying to score pills.
They walked around with Who-masks, and Who-rubber gloves
Giving in to the paranoia the Who-media loves.
And, unbeknownst to most of the Who, they now say,
CNN’s stock point jumped three times that day

The Obama administration didn’t seem worried one bit
Hillary Clinton had had Mad Cow for years, and no one gave a Who-shit.
The Cheney-in-the-hat and Bush 1 and Bush 2
Didn’t seem to be scared like every other Who
The only ones in W.H.O.ville the swine fear didn’t hassle
Because their only weaknesses are quails and a pretzel

Then all of a sudden, it had jumped country lines,
14 countries had 1 case (but billions were fine)
Whogyptians came up with a foolproof plan,
They’d find and then kill every pig in the land.
The Who-Asians quarantine as many as they can
Thinking, “What the fuck is a Who-Mexican doing in Japan?”
At least they knew the Who-Queen of England would be ok
Her Iphone had an app that cured swine flu right away!

Every Who was worried about what would come next,
Someone said, “Phase six”, and the country was vexed.
One thought crept through every Who’s mind, and they shuddered,
The aftermath of this flu was too horrible to be uttered:

After every Who’s life down in W.H.O.ville was taken
Who-Muslims would rule, because they don’t eat bacon.
Who’s had just gotten comfortable under the Red, White, and Blue
But it turns out they’re fucked, ‘cause the pigs hate them too.

My initial reaction was, “There was no way in hell that any 8 year could ever be legally married!” But upon further investigation it became clear—if you live in the “anything goes sandland” of Saudi Arabia, it is common practice to sell of your daughter in marriage at the age of 7 in order to release yourself from debt. And apparently, everyone else around you thinks this is completely normal. Because nobody says a damned thing. All of us on this side of the sand, think that these people are nuts. But on the other side, they seem to believe that children (and women) have no understanding of what is best for them.

This is evidenced by an appeal by the 8 year-old’s mother to annul this ridiculous marriage. Her appeal was denied because she is now divorced from the girl’s father and therefore has no legal rights over the child. If this isn’t enough for you, listen to this:

“A girl aged 10 or 12 can be married. Those who think she’s too young are wrong, and they are being unfair to her.”

That is a quote from Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al-Sheikh the kingdom’s grand mufti. Who knows what a grand mufti is? I have no idea. But I’m assuming it’s someone that should know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. Obviously this Sheikh doesn’t know that he’s saying it’s okay for little girls to be wed to grown-ass men. How sick IS this?

But don’t worry. This is a different culture that is going to be difficult for us to understand. I’m sure that cultural differences exist on our side, like women having rights, that must be mindblowing to them. So, I’ll leave you with this, the one reassuring fact coming out of this whole mess; the husband promised not to have sex with his wife (8 years old) until she hits puberty. Thank God. A 47 year old having sex with a girl of 13 is SO much better than with a girl of 8. Oh wait, no it’s still pretty messed up.

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Yet, we still seek that unattainable perfection. And when a person fails to achieve it, as a society, we punish them. But at what point does punishment become too much? Aren’t we all entitled to a second chance? If you don’t think so then I KNOW you’re full of shit. Who says, “You know what? If I mess up, no matter what the circumstances, I deserve whatever comes to me?” None of us would agree to that. But that is exactly what is happening in our prison systems, whether we realize it or not.

I recently read an alarming piece of news that, frankly, scared and pissed me the hell off. Apparently, young children are being sentenced to life in prison without the possibility for parole for crimes they committed as minors. Now before everyone gets up in arms about whether their crimes justified such a sentence, there is a much larger issue. These KIDS will never be out of jail, nor will the ever have the CHANCE to. That is my problem.

I’m not arguing that they are kids and therefore don’t deserve punishment. We all agree that regardless of age, if you take another life you should be behind bars. What we shouldn’t be in accordance with is the denial of even the possibility of parole. In these wonderful United States, 45 states have chosen to allow life sentences without the possibility of parole to minors. But don’t worry, if you get in on it early and decide to screw up big time before the age of 14, only 19 of those states can still make you a lifer.

Please tell me how that is fair or makes any sense at all. I understand accountability, but at the same time we are talking about KIDS. If you were held responsible for every mistake you made as a child and irrevocably condemned for them where would you be today? This is what upsets me, and hopefully you too. How are we okay with condemning kids at such a young age without ever giving them a chance to change? Hopefully we aren’t, because if we give up on the belief that people can change, then we have no business claiming we deserve a second chance.

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So explain to me why a woman, willing and perfectly capable of raising and supporting a child from an impoverished nation, can’t get a fucking kid? According to the experts, it’s quite simple; the child would be better off in an orphanage, as that qualifies as “her best interests.”

This is how the most recent adoption attempt by Madonna is going. This is the second time Madonna is attempting to adopt an orphan from Malawi. According to officials, staying in the orphanage is better for the child and this decision is essentially a victory for all those poor homeless kids by not allowing them to leave their country and live with affluent, successful individuals.

Forget for a moment about Madonna and all the preconceived notions you have of her. Yes, she is Queen of Pop. Yes, she has sold over 200 million records. Yes, she has a net worth of around $500 million. But doesn’t this make her an ideal candidate to adopt a child? Madonna is done with recording (whether she realizes it or not). So what does a self-made, former singer with a shit load of money have left? Time, and lots of it. Now is the time where she can spend her life doing all the things that have passed her by, such as raising a family. She is married, wealthy as shit, and WANTS to adopt a kid from Malawi. Why the fuck not?

What’s intriguing to me is that the Malawi officials are against it. They cite that support outside of Malawi accounts for only 5 of 1.5 million orphans. Explain to me again how this is not in their best interests or those of the kid, when only 5 of them are going to get help? They should be jumping up and down and shipping the kids off as fast as they can if for nothing else to make room for the other 1,499,995 kids that are trying to find a spot for their mat on the dirt. And don’t give me this bullshit about cross cultural differences and that the kid would lose out on their culture and religion. The kid is too young to know anything about that right now. Right now is the perfect time. This kid has a chance of growing up in a legit home with 2 parents that love them and we aren’t paying any attention. It’s time we stop hearing about this, and start paying attention to people that care.

You can follow Nils on Twitter here.

Lately, it’s been pretty crazy over here at sexy gypsy. First it was Superhero Week and now we’re in the middle of covering the Ashland Independent Film Festival. But I want to take the time to introduce a new category—Current Events.

This is something we’ve been wanting to add since we started sexy gypsy. But, unfortunately we haven’t found the right person or the time and motivation to write it ourselves. Thankfully, our good friend, Nils Jordan has agreed to help us out and contribute from time to time.

So please welcome him to the sexy gypsy family. I’ll let him introduce himself now:

I’m Nils. I’m livin’ in the Napa Valley with my wife trying to eek out a living while paying back the Man. I’m young, educated and will be using sexy-gypsy as an outlet for (hopefully) successful rants about what is wrong with our society.

You can follow Nils on Twitter here.