by The Great White Gypsy

Clash of the Titans - Directed by Louis Leterrier, Written by Travis Beacham and Phil Hay
Yes, Leterrier directed Transporter 2. And yes, Phil Hay wrote Aeon Flux. But I’m a huge fan of Greek Mythology, and the epic story of Perseus going up against a pantheon of Gods is perfect for the big screen. Even if Sam Worthington has to be in it. Percy Jackson can suck it.
Sam Worthington, Ralph Fiennes, Liam Neeson, Alexa Davalos, Danny Huston, Pete Postlethwaite, Vincent Regan
April 2

Don McKay - Written and Directed by Jake Goldberger
The poster for this film is a little laughable after you find out Church plays a high school janitor who returns to his hometown and gets seduced by a psycho. Normally I don’t get excited about random, low-budget “thrillers” like this, but the cast is a hodgepodge (I know, I’ve never used that word either…) of recognizable character actors. Plus, I’ve always assumed that Elisabeth Shue could go all Fatal Attraction at the drop of a hat. Women are evil.
Thomas Haden Church, Elisabeth Shue, Melissa Leo, Keith David, M. Emmet Walsh, James Rebhorn, Pruitt Taylor Vince
April 2

The Thorn in the Heart - Written and Directed by Michel Gondry
Usually, no one gives a rat’s ass about personal documentaries. However, I really like Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spottless Mind, The Science of Sleep), and this quirky looking chronicle of his family might be…dare I say…heartwarming.
Michel Gondry
April 2

The Warlords - Directed by Peter Chan, Written by Tim Nam Chun and Junli Guo
If you went up to a Chinese person and said, “Hey, have you seen the trailers for Jet Li’s new movie, The Warlords?”, they would first call you a racist. Second, they would laugh at you, because this movie was released in China in late 2007. I guess it’s just as well, since most things we get right away from Asia explode when you turn on the windshield wipers. I’ve missed the last couple epics from across the Pacific, but the battles in this one look sick. It’s already on OnDemand if you feel like paying $9.99. Which I don’t.
Jet Li, Andy Lau, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Jinglei Xu
April 2

After.Life - Directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo, Written by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo and Paul Vosloo
Ok, three things: 1. There’s a period in the title. W T Fuck? 2. This looks like a cross between The Sixth Sense and Boxing Helena. 3. The cast reads like this: The chick who played the girl in The Addams Family, the guy who’s in those Mac/PC commercials, that guy who was in that one thing, and Liam Neeson. The story is about a girl who “dies”, and is being prepped for the afterlife by a funeral director. Then, she starts to question if she’s really dead, or if this guy’s just nuts. If you can get past those first three things, it could be cool. IF.
Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci, Justin Long, Josh Charles
April 9

Date Night - Directed by Shawn Levy, Written by Josh Klausner
Seperately, the director and writer of this one have given us such screen gems as Night at the Museum and Shrek the Third. That being said, does anyone actually go to a Steve Carell movie to be mentally stimulated? Not so much. With all the star power behind this one, I’m expecting to be thoroughly entertained, and stockpile enough one-liners to last me the summer. I’ve been screaming “KILLSHOT!” for like a month already.
Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Mark Wahlberg, Mark Ruffalo, James Franco, Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig, Ray Liotta, Taraji P. Henson, Common
April 9

The Good, the Bad, and the Weird - Directed by Ji-woon Kim, Written by Ji-woon Kim and Min-suk Kim
This may look like a western set in the 1800’s, but it’s actually a western set in the 1940’s (Korea’s been a little behind). After Sukiyaki Western Django, though, I’m definitely willing to give it a try. About three bandits searching for a treasure map amidst gun fire and chases on horseback. Might be a little silly in places, but it’ll also be damn violent in others. Sweet. Don’t worry, if it doesn’t come to a theater near you, I’m sure it’ll be remade by the time I finish my next entry.
Kang-ho Song, Byung-hun Lee, Woo-sung Jung
April 9

Kick-Ass - Directed by Matthew Vaughn, Written by Jane Goldman
The Good: Matthew Vaughn directed Layer Cake. The Bad: Someone let Nicolas Cage in this one. The Weird: Christopher Mintz-Plasse is still riding his dwindling “McLovin” fame. If you really don’t know anything else about this film, you probably live under a rock, and thus aren’t even reading this. I’m surprised it’s coming out in April instead of the middle of July, but that may work in it’s favor. Looks fucking badass, and if the extremely positive reaction at SXSW is any indication, it’ll be worth your time and money.
Nicolas Cage, Mark Strong, Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Moretz
April 16

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead - Written and Directed by Jordan Galland
Probably the worst title ever, but it actually looks good. A stage play director is doing an adaptation of Hamlet. Then it turns out there are real vampires in the play, and Shakespeare was involved in a thousand-year-old conspiracy with the bloodsuckers. It might end up being too witty and esoteric to be enjoyed, but The Karate Kid is actually in it, and Pat freaking Morita is no where to be seen! Give it a chance.
Jake Hoffman, Devon Aoki, John Ventimiglia, Kris Lemche, Ralph Macchio, Jeremy Sisto
April 16

The Joneses - Written and Directed by Derrick Borte
I was really looking forward to this one. I’ve loved Californication so far, so Duchovny’s presence on the big screen is more than welcome. Demi Moore’s usually solid, Amber Heard is sexy, and the idea of an entire family being a prop to sell merchandising for the American Dream is interesting. However, in the past few days, I’ve read less than stellar reviews about the writing and the on-screen chemistry between characters, which surprises me. I don’t know what to believe now…Black is East, Up is White…I dunno.
David Duchovny, Demi Moore, Amber Heard, Ben Hollingsworth
April 16

The Losers - Directed by Sylvain White, Written by Peter Berg
Summer of 2010 will go down in history as “Kick Ass ‘80’s Throwback Summer”. Maybe not, but this comic adaptation about a group of dishonored mercenaries fighting the power already competed with The A-Team for an April release date. And they won.
Zoe Saldana, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Jason Patric
April 23

Boogie Woogie - Directed by Duncan Ward, Written by Danny Moynihan
Show of hands please. How many of you like movies with gratuitous sex and drugs? Ok, everyone, good. Now, how many of you would like to see Amanda Seyfried naked? Still a lot of hands. Now, how many of you would like to see Amamda Seyfried blowing Stellan Skarsgard while Gillian Anderson watches? No one? There is nothing inherently wrong with drugs, art, and sexual freedom being in the same room. Actually, I rather enjoy it. But the casting in this one is off the wall, and I’m not sure even Alan Cumming (that’s a pornstar name if ever I heard one) can save it.
Gillian Anderson, Alan Cumming, Heather Graham, Danny Huston, Jack Huston, Christopher Lee, Amanda Seyfried, Stellan Skarsgard
April 23

Please Give - Written and Directed by Nicole Holofcener
Casting Director strikes again. This story about an elderly woman who stirs things up between her grandchildren and her landlords doesn’t sound all that amazing. However, with talent like Keener and Platt at odds with Peet and Nicholas, I’d really like to get my hands on this one.
Catherine Keener, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Rebecca Hall, Thomas Ian Nicholas
April 30

A Nightmare on Elm Street - Directed by Samuel Bayer, Written by Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer
Horror remakes are tricky. Especially when you’re trying to revamp a franchise with 10+ sequels under the belt already. Personally, I didn’t care for Michael Bay’s vision of Friday the 13th, but Rob Zombie’s Halloween was freaking awesome. Granted, Freddy Krueger is much harder to pull off, but Jackie Earle Haley has already proven he can act behind makeup, and he’s committed to laying Robert Englund’s iconic portrayal to rest in favor of his own brand of terror. 1, 2…Freddy’s coming for you….
Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara
April 30

The Good Heart - Written and Directed by Dagur Kari
With recent work like The Escapist, Brian Cox is starting to flex his strange independent film muscles. Paul Dano (Gigantic, There Will Be Blood) has been doing the same for years. So I have to believe there’s something to this project. Cox plays an aging bartender with a heart condition who takes the homeless Dano under his wing. Kari’s first American film.
Brian Cox, Paul Dano
April 30

I Love You Phillip Morris - Written and Directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa
It’s about damn time Carrey got back to his live-action comedy roots (fuck Joel Schumacher 23 times in the eye). I’m not a big fan of Ewan McGregor in comedic roles, so I’m not sure he’ll step up to the task of being Jim Carrey’s lover. However, after the European release, people are already saying they can’t wait to buy it on Blu-Ray. And we all know how much smarter Europe is than us…
Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Leslie Mann, Rodrigo Santoro
April 30

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

Breaking Upwards - Directed by Daryl Wein, Written by Peter Duchan, Zoe Lister Jones, and Daryl Wein
My love for everything indie, IFC, and mumblecore seem to be converging in this odd story about a couple attempting to orchestrate their own break up in order to save their relationship. Written and directed by the two lead actors, the witty-yet-comfortably-uncomfortable characters already have my interest piqued. Only in NY and LA this month, but it’s already on OnDemand.
Zoe Lister Jones, Daryl Wein, Julie White, Andrea Martin, Peter Friedman, Olivia Thirlby
April 2 (NY) April 9 (LA)

The Square - Directed by Nash Edgerton, Written by Joel Edgerton and Matthew Dabner
What happens when you have an affair in Australia? Same thing as here, except your life unravels clockwise (I had to go flush my toilet to get that joke right, so piss off). Austrailian cinema has been slowly but surely forming a foothold in the independent community, and this thriller about a man’s deranged mistress could go a long way towards legitimizing it further. Don’t expect this to show up at the AMC down the street, but it may be on DVD sooner than you think.
David Roberts, Claire van der Boom, Joel Edgerton, Anthony Hayes
April 9 (Limited)

Cemetery Junction - Written and Directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
In their first teaming since the orgiinal Office, Gervais and Merchant have grown up a bit. So it’s only fitting this project is a coming-of-age tale about three young men in the UK. The Invention of Lying was surprisingly palatable, so I’ll give this one a chance.
Ricky Gervais, Ralph Fiennes, Emily Watson, Matthew Goode
April 14 (UK)

Machete - Written and Directed by Robert Rodriguez
I’m pretty sure this is the biggest hoax in cinema/internet history. I’ve been hearing about this project since the faux trailer showed up during Grindhouse. Multiple online sources say this month is finally the month. I don’t really believe it for a second, but maybe if I actually talk about it this month, it’ll really come out next month. Fingers crossed.
Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Rose McGowan, Tom Savini
April 16 (Rumored)

Mercy - Directed by Patrick Hoelck, Written by Scott Caan
Scott Caan has been playing the cynical meathead for the better part of a decade and a half. This is why, even though he wrote this script, I’m not sure I can buy him on screen as a writer struggling with his source material: love.. That being said, I give him credit for not going down the Hank Moody route, opting instead for the loveless douchebag trying to be a real boy. This’ll probably stay under the radar, but expect to hear more about it in early May.
Scott Caan, James Caan, Wendy Glenn, Dylan McDermott, Erika Christensen, Troy Garity
April 30 (Limited)

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