by Ryan Macdonald

It was a great day in W.H.O.ville, the sun was shining bright
And it looked like the Who were going to be alright
The market was up, and the president was “down”,
Every Who walked around without a single Who-frown.
But there was one soul that didn’t feel happy, it seemed,
That was Sam-I-Am, and he looked a bit green.

He’d just gotten back from a trip to Cancun,
Just a quick week of drinking, and chasing Who-poon.
But now that he was home, he just didn’t feel well,
“It might only be a cold, it’s just so hard to tell.”
So he went to the doctor to get diagnosed,
“Looks like this is a new virus, and you’re the first host!”

The Doctor called the news stations, “I’ve discovered swine flu!”
They liked H1N1 better, but they said, “That’ll do.”
The cameras lit up, and the words scrolled across
And the Who down in W.H.O.ville thought all would be lost.
They blocked off the churches and closed all the bars
And they screamed, “We’ll all die! Don’t you remember Who-Sars?”

Then reports started coming in of one Who that had died,
The Who-media said more (but I think that they lied)
But who was this one that had started the panic?
To make the Who freak out like they were on the Titanic?
A Who-Mexican baby in Texas, that’s all
But a casualty’s a casualty, no matter how small.

Then the Who Health Orginazation said the word “pandemic”
Most Who don’t know the difference between that and “antiseptic”
So the Who-medical centers were full to the gills
From healthy hypochondriacs trying to score pills.
They walked around with Who-masks, and Who-rubber gloves
Giving in to the paranoia the Who-media loves.
And, unbeknownst to most of the Who, they now say,
CNN’s stock point jumped three times that day

The Obama administration didn’t seem worried one bit
Hillary Clinton had had Mad Cow for years, and no one gave a Who-shit.
The Cheney-in-the-hat and Bush 1 and Bush 2
Didn’t seem to be scared like every other Who
The only ones in W.H.O.ville the swine fear didn’t hassle
Because their only weaknesses are quails and a pretzel

Then all of a sudden, it had jumped country lines,
14 countries had 1 case (but billions were fine)
Whogyptians came up with a foolproof plan,
They’d find and then kill every pig in the land.
The Who-Asians quarantine as many as they can
Thinking, “What the fuck is a Who-Mexican doing in Japan?”
At least they knew the Who-Queen of England would be ok
Her Iphone had an app that cured swine flu right away!

Every Who was worried about what would come next,
Someone said, “Phase six”, and the country was vexed.
One thought crept through every Who’s mind, and they shuddered,
The aftermath of this flu was too horrible to be uttered:

After every Who’s life down in W.H.O.ville was taken
Who-Muslims would rule, because they don’t eat bacon.
Who’s had just gotten comfortable under the Red, White, and Blue
But it turns out they’re fucked, ‘cause the pigs hate them too.

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