We all take dates to movies, and we have since we were 13, when the skating rink just wasn’t cutting it, and no one would sell us whiskey.  Movies are a great way to have an experience together, without the pressure of holding a conversation with someone you just met.  If you’re lucky, you might even get some play.  Romantic movies might get a hand on the thigh.  Scary movies will have her clinging to you for safety.  Intellectual movies will stimulate her mind (making the rest of it easier).  But every now and then, you go to a movie, and can’t for the life of you remember why it seemed like a good idea.  Here are five such snafus (arranged autobiographically):

1.      Space Cowboys

The premise:  We wanted to make out, and didn’t care what we were seeing.

The conflict:  Every time I came up for air, I was looking at Tommy Lee Jones and Clint Eastwood getting a physical.  If there is something in life less sexy, I don’t want to see it.

The end result:  Years of therapy.

2.     Armageddon 

The premise:  She wanted to see it.

The conflict:  She moved two seats away from me so I wouldn’t “bother” her while Affleck was crying over getting the short straw.

The end result:  She wanted me to sing, “Don’t want to miss a thing” to her.  I wanted to see other people.

3.     Daredevil

The premise:  Comic book aficionado’s Valentine’s Day date has a friend, so I go in blind.

The conflict:  …um, hi: it’s fucking Daredevil.  Ben Affleck is the bane of my love life.

The end result:  Take a wild fucking guess.

4.     King Kong

The premise:  After a romantic dinner at Applebee’s, it was the only thing playing.

The conflict:  It was like four hours long, with a 30 minute intermission because Napa was under 8 inches of water.

The end result:  Fuck monkeys.

5.     Evening

The premise:  It was a Focus Feature, it was a chick flick, she was hot.

The conflict:  Irreconcilable issues between sisters and mother causes inconsolable crying.

The end result:  Awkward silence.

A few bad apples haven’t quite put the kybosh on cinematic adventures for me, but I do think long and hard before committing to one with a girl I don’t really know.  But these days, who wants to spend thirty bucks on tickets and twizzlers, when it’s cheaper to go to a bar?  No one cries over four-dollar margaritas, and the chances of Ben Affleck ruining your evening are considerably less.