With NFL tragedies like Sean Taylor and Darrent Williams still weighing on the minds of the fans, Burress has done nothing but show disrespect to the deceased. So to return the favor, here are five disrespectful reasons why the receiver formerly known as Burress should not own a gun.  

5. 35 million dollars: 

Protect your investment. If someone were offered 35 million dollars to play a game, would the next move be to go get wasted, grab a handgun, and head to a sketchy club in New York City? It seems no matter what happens the NFL will never learn from its mistakes. Next season we can look forward to Tom Brady dropping E, heading to San Francisco’s Castro district, and finally switching teams.   

4. He thinks “turning on the safety” means sending a hooker to Ed Reed’s room: 

Guns have safety mechanisms on them for a reason. If you tuck your gun into your waistband and it happens to slip down below the boxer line, the safety plays a crucial role in the recovery process. Burress should know this. Hasn’t he seen Band of Brothers? Whether it’s a .9 or a Luger, shooting yourself in the leg is never cool. 

3. He looks like an anorexic Mr. T. and concealed weapons spell trouble for the A-Team: 

The goatee is terrible, but it does give him a striking resemblance to Mr. T. That being said, he is even more of role model for kids. And like Mr. T always says, “I pity the fool who shoots himself in the leg.” All the pity in the world won’t bring him back to his A-Team (Giants) now. 

2. Johnnie Cochran is dead: 

Kill a few people with Cochran on your side? Freedom. Try and get your stuff back that some punk took from you, without Cochran? Don’t drop the soap. Just ask O.J. Simpson. Burress will not be able to get out of this easily. It’s not like he’s an NFL great, he’s just that skinny guy with a weird name. This could easily cost him his job and maybe his freedom. Possession of a concealed weapon without a permit is a felony. Without a good lawyer, it will be the Longest Yard starring Michael Vick and Burress. 

1. Roger Goodell: 

Somewhere Pacman Jones is wondering how he’s managed to stay bullet free. Goodell is no slouch when it comes to punishment of NFL players. Getting shot is bad enough, but this has to annoy Goodell to no end. Hire a bodyguard or don’t go to clubs that require protection. When Goodell finally sits down with Burress, he will no doubt be full of helpful tips—start practicing your jump shot or learn to hide a razorblade in your mouth.

Tyson Qualls is a freelance writer in Phoenix, AZ. He specializes in sports commentary. He’s a been good friend of The Great White Gypsy and I for a long time now. You can read more of his work at his website, www.freewebs.com/tysonq

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