by The Great White Gypsy

1.  I could care less/For all intensive purposes

Why are so many people oblivious to the fact that, not only do these phrases not make sense, they are saying them wrong.  The correct phrase is “I couldn’t care less”, meaning you’re quantifying your caring at absolute zero.  “I could care less” means that you actually care, because it’s possible for you to care less than you do.  Also, it’s “for all intents and purposes”.  I realize that this phrase is somewhat redundant anyways, but what the hell does “intensive purposes” mean?  Like unintensive purposes don’t matter, but the intense ones do?  Why are people saying these phrases like they understand them?  You sound like a moron, and for all intents and purposes, I couldn’t care less about your opinions.  Douche.

2.  Islamic Fundamentalists

How many times have you heard terrorists referred to as “Islamic fundamentalists”?  That statement is inherently ignorant and discriminatory.  That is essentially saying that the religion of Islam is, at its core, a belief system based on violence, murder, and dogmatic hatred.  That’s saying that every Muslim you know owns an AK-47 and plans to strap explosives to their chest before they come to your Christmas party.  These people are Muslim extremists.  It’s like saying everyone who bombs an abortion clinic is a “Christian fundamentalist”.  I don’t know any Christians who have done that.  I’m a Christian, and I’ve never bombed an abortion clinic (except that one time, but I just got caught up in the moment).

3.  Marijuana is not addictive

Like that actually makes sense and justifies your lazy wake-and-bake habits.  When people say this, they are likening weed to cigarettes, heroin, and cocaine.  But what about Gambling?  Shopping?  Pornography?  These things are not inherently addictive; they possess no basic properties that cause chemical dependency.  But people get addicted to them nonetheless.  Have you ever actually known a pothead?  They are addicted as hell to the lifestyle of always being high, always laying around eating Funions and watching Fantasia 2000 at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon.  They have a hard time functioning in life without a doobie.  Anything can be addictive, and I do mean anything.  Don’t talk to me like you’re progressive and mellow.  You are self-righteous and wrong.  (P.S.  I like weed.)

4.  Wes Anderson is an intelligent director

Every time I tell one of these bandwagon intellectuals that I hate Wes Anderson and all his movies, they always say the same thing:  “Oh, it’s intelligent humor, you just don’t get it.”  Seriously?  Go fuck yourself.  Because you like these movies, you’re smarter than me?  The guy can’t decide if his films are comedies or emotional dramas.  He is a pretentious asshole who is still claiming to make “indie” films despite his ridiculous funding from big studios, and his all-star casts.  His camera work is rigid and unrealistic, his writing is supposed to make you think that, even though he’s not saying anything, he’s saying something profound because he’s artistic, and you are too if you like his work.  Just because something is supposed to be an intelligent film doesn’t mean it succeeds, and it doesn’t automatically make you smarter to like it.  And yes, I’ve seen all of his movies, and I still hate him.  I hate you too.

5.  Separation of Church and State

The catch phrase of the spiritually disenfranchised.  Show me where in the hell that phrase shows up in the Bill of Rights, or the Constitution.  It doesn’t.  The First Amendment says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  That means the government can’t make you follow one religion, and it can’t punish you for following any religion.  This country was founded by pilgrims.  Who is a pilgrim?  Someone on a pilgrimage.  They were seeking to worship their god in their own way.  “In God we Trust” is on our money, “One Nation, Under God” is in our pledge, because we are a country founded by the spiritually open-minded.  Saying that baby Jesus can’t appear on the courthouse steps, or the 10 commandments in the lobby, is itself a form of closed-minded persecution that ignores the basic, universal principles the United States of America was created under.  We live in a country where you aren’t shot in the face for your beliefs.  The fact that you can actually speak out against these things is itself freedom of religion as stated in the constitution.  My god offends you?  Well, your lack of one offends me.  Where does that leave us?  With a splinter in my eye, and a stick up your ass.

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