Because everybody else does five…

1. Popped Collars

The popped collar is an interesting trend, as it manages to be a sign of incredible cooler-than-you-ness while simultaneously suggesting that the wearer is a retard incapable of getting his hands over the back of his head to fix it. And have you noticed that it’s always the same guy who sports the popped collar? He’s got that surfer look with sun-streaked hair even though you know he’s too much of a bitch to brave the risk of sand in his Billabong flip-flops, with cargo shorts just baggy enough to suggest a carefree aloofness, and a mancrush on The Shins. Now, when I see a mannequin with a popped collar, I always do the poor lifeless dude a favor and fix it. But I just can’t bring myself to touch the real guy—probably because his efforts to hide the rotten stench of the elite just aren’t cutting it.

1. Emo Kids

You’ve seen them—with their asymmetrical hair and guyliner, skinny jeans and skinny band t-shirts, and deliberately aged Chucks with Sharpie-scribbled notes from all their other little emo friends. And as long as we’re talking about fashion, I’d like to say a big “Fuck you” to all the emo kids who ruined scarves for me. But… before I get carried away, I’d like to point out that it is, after all, the holiday season. And in accordance with such expected merrymaking and jolliness, I’d like to propose that we not leave the little emos out of the loop. In fact, if you’re struggling with gift ideas for the emo in your life, I’ve heard that those kooky kids love them some razor blades. Remember kids: vertical strokes.

1. The Jonas Brothers

It’s not often that you come across a single trend that portrays the degradation of our culture so accurately as does the Jonas Brothers. And all three of these douchebags look like the kind of idiot who would get his ass handed to him on a plate on a regular basis, so I’m surprised that hasn’t happened yet. If you’ve heard or even heard of their “music” then you know it is the kind of thing that creepy cat-torturing teenagers secretly listen to before embarking upon a shooting spree at school. I’m ashamed to say I have in fact listened to their “music”, but only slightly ashamed, as I was immediately debating the best method of killing these little fuckers. Given the abomination of Jeebus that the Jonas Brothers so clearly are, I think it’s definitely the time to take action. And while we’re at it, I propose we go ahead and take out all people whose last name, or first name, or pseudonym, or affectionate family moniker is Jonas. Just to, you know, prevent an uprising.

1. LOLSPEAK

Smiley faces I can deal with. Colon, hyphen, parenthesis—fair enough. But anything more than that and you’re just doing too much. As far as I can tell, either some prepubescent girl in Indiana got carried away with the punctuation or Gary Busey decided to do a social experiment to see how stupid the rest of us are, and out came a hundred little symbols for facial expressions most normal people can’t even do. According to the hipster douchebags at Wikipedia, this little nugget: %-) , means “happy but confused”. As opposed, of course, to %-( , “sad but confused”. [Note: attempting to make your eyes resemble a percent symbol may cause irreparable damage.] Here’s another one that makes you want to hit a child: o/ . Want to venture a guess as to what that represents? I’ll give you a hint: it’s a fucking cheerleader.

I suppose there might be one situation where lolspeak might come in handy. Say, the next time you see a hobo licking his own ass—at which point you could make this face: :3 , which of course means “cat-like behavior”. To which, if said hobo is up to date on his internet trends, he will reply: }:) . And you, being so hip and with it, will know that to mean “devilish smile”…

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