Hello.

My name is Alex, and I am a drug addict.

I have been an addict for exactly four years, to the day.

I haven’t had a hit in six hours.

I haven’t needed one, I’m high as fuck.

I think I’ve been awake for thirty-six hours. Or maybe it’s three. Maybe I just woke up. Maybe I’m actually asleep right now. Do you ever get that feeling? That you’re asleep when you’re really awake, or awake when you’re really asleep? That shit is weird. I think it’s really been more like forty-eight hours. Yeah.

I can’t seem to sleep sometimes. I just go and go and go and go. Newton’s law: An object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by another force. Fucking Newton. Now there was a tweeker. What normal person has a fucking apple fall on his head, and comes up with gravity, or anything other than, ‘shit, I sat under the wrong fucking tree’? So many great minds in history where fucking addicts. But no one cares about that, if they contributed to society. As long as a junkie contributes to society, no one cares. They can be crazy, gay, violent, addicted, but when they paint something, or help people, or write a great book, everyone looks at their vices as fuel for the fire of genius. Van Gogh cut off his fucking ear for a chick, does anyone care? Fuck no, the dude could paint. Ernest Hemingway was probably addicted to opium, but he’s a brooding writer, so it’s ok. Roman Polanski tried to fucking kill someone, and they gave him a fucking Oscar. But when that guy on the corner asks you for change, he’s a worthless crackhead, right? Why is it ok for the goose, but not for the gander?

What the fuck was I talking about?

Apples?

How do you like them apples?

Good Will Hunting was a great fucking movie, can I tell you that right now? Robin Williams: a lot of hair, a lot of heart. Matt Damon is amazing. Ben Affleck is a douche. He is the anchor on the ship of Matt Damon’s career. Talk about holding someone back. Have you ever had a friend hold you back? I have.

One of my best friends, for years, was into this Christianity shit. We would get high and talk about Jesus and Satan and stuff. It was great, we were really expanding our minds, and I was on my fucking way to enlightenment. I came up with this theory, just go with me on this: God is evil. Get it? Seriously, just listen. God has to be evil. He created everything, right? If he created everything, he created evil. Nothing is beyond His control, nothing exists outside of Him. Therefore, either He is inherently evil, and his laws are arbitrary, or He is not all powerful, and evil is outside his control, and thus He is not worth worshipping. My friend didn’t like this one bit. He called me sacrilegious, and wrong, and wouldn’t follow me through that particular door. So I had to fucking cut him loose. I can’t stand closed-minded people. It didn’t really bother me though, cause he was just some guy on the train I had just met. I can’t even remember his name.

That’s what fucking drugs do, man. They fucking make it hard to remember shit. It’s no picnic, those great feelings when you’re high come with a price. I remember when I was shooting up, way back. I kept using the same fucking spot on my arm, and the shit just kept getting more infected. Then I got arrested, and had to get my arm amputated. I almost died. Or was that a movie?

Did you ever see Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? So fucking realistic. They trip balls the whole time, and I really thought I was there with them. And that scene, when Johnny Depp wakes up in the hotel room? Johnny Depp is an amazing actor, let me just say this really quick. Sure, Pirates of the Caribbean was a little “mainstream”, but he’s good in everything. Edward Scissorhands? Fucking great. Dead Man was a fucking trip. He’s just awesome. He was in this one movie, I forget the name, but he wakes up in a hotel room in galoshes, with a dinosaur tail strapped to his ass, and a tape recorder on his chest. It was great.

I have to carry a tape recorder. Sometimes it’s for my job, but usually, I just want to hear my ideas when I’m sober. You can’t remember shit well when you’re high, so I tape everything for later. I even tape my conversations with other people. You ever have a friend that always denies saying shit? I found a way around that. People hate it when they hear themselves saying shit they denied. People hate to be wrong.

Like those people who say that the world is getting worse? That it’s almost time for Armageddon? They are wrong, and won’t fucking hear otherwise. They want to be right, they want to be the ones who recognize all the fucked up shit, so that they can be acting like they’re better than the rest of the world when Jesus comes next Tuesday. They are fucking wrong. Take a goddamn history class. Read the bible. There has always been fucked up shit in the world. The only difference now? Mass media. When something awful happens in Germany, it doesn’t take us a year to find out from a traveling immigrant telling stories of the fatherland in a bar. We can find out in twenty minutes with fucking CNN and the internet. It’s not worse, we just know about more shit, and we think the world’s about to end. How the fuck are people so narcissistic? The world is fucking old.

I can’t take this sometimes. I can’t decide whether to go to sleep or take another hit. Usually, it’s another hit, but like I said, I’ve been up for like fifty-four hours. But what’s another six or seven, then?

Do you think it’s possible that sleep deprivation is actually good? Like we’ve only been told we need to sleep eight hours everyday? But if we stay awake for three days, maybe that’s how long our brain really takes to warm up, and we can tap into our unconscious, into the fucking universe. You think? And maybe the fatigue is just psychosomatic? Or we just can’t handle that much power yet?

I remember when I got addicted. That’s one thing that every addict always remembers, if they really think about it. It’s important to know, just in case. It was that fucking guy that came to my house, and freebased for the first time with me. It was a fucking trip, my parents were out of town. Then one of our other friends overdosed, and we fucking left him outside the hospital. Wait, was that another movie? Fuck.

Sometimes I feel like Superman. Not like I’m invincible, that’s not it. But like, I’m this crazy, strong, smart guy when I’m high, like I can do anything. Then all I have to do is put on a pair of glasses. I put on the glasses, and everyone sees a different person. I can fade in and out of everyday life, I can talk to you, I can be anyone, and you wouldn’t know I’m an addict, just because of the fucking glasses.

I get most of my drugs from work, now. These kids have unlimited access to it on the streets. Every now and then, I’ll score from one of them, and I feel a little bad about it, but I figure it doesn’t hurt them, and I’m helping them anyways, so why not? Maybe it’s not something a Youth Counselor should do, but I’m helping these kids figure out their lives, so it evens out. I told you that’s my job, right? That I’m a youth counselor? I think I did.

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